I just wanted to say that so much of what you wrote above really resonated with me. It's almost like you were in my H's head--or maybe in mine!
I thought it was really insightful and it means a lot to me that you took the time to write everything in such detail.
I keep going back and reading bits and pieces, it's that interesting to me. I don't really understand the mindset, but I think you hit on some really good theories about why he might react the way he does.
I think his self-esteem is really poor, especially now that he has behaved so terribly towards me. I know doing that is really causing some cognitive dissonance for him. He always prided himself on being a "good guy" and treating me well. In his own way, of course.
And we all know now that insisting on only showing his love in ways HE WANTED wasn't meeting my needs. He needed to speak my Love Language, and he never wanted to learn.
By the same token, he expected me to "know" what he wanted without asking. He had expectations for me which he never shared, he said "yes" when he meant "no". He still doesn't seem to understand that there is a middle ground between agreeing and refusing. He has always refused to discuss, cooperate, compromise, collaborate, communicate. We rarely fought, and when we did, it was because I expressed displeasure at something (however kindly) and he either took it as criticism and attacked me, or he manipulated the topic so it turned out to somehow be focused on me and my "faults" which I then ended up defending.
Somehow, it never went anywhere because he deflected and blamed me. And topped it all off with "It's my fault, I knew when I married you that you were (whatever). It's not fair to expect you to be any different."
And that's when we were talking about him! His behavior was "MY" fault. I wish I had a nickel for every time he said "Well, I did THAT because YOU..."
Anyhow--enough H-Bashing. Poor man's got enough to deal with now.
But I can see now that that's the way things were, and I can't live like that anymore. I'd like to believe he can change, but as I said before, he'd have to really WANT to. And I'm not sure he has the guts.
