Wife having affair with boss. We are seperated.

[sandi2]

I would suggest you not make or break any appointments for your W. If you want to continue to go longer, then make appointments for yourself. In most cases reported on the board, whenever a third party is involved in the M, the WAW will not attend MC with the same motives as her H. She may attend a few and then cuts out.

Let me try to explain something about the DB board. Usually, by the time a man comes here, his M is in very serious trouble, also, it may shock you to discover how many have a WAW who is involved in some type of inappropriate behavior with another person.

It is admirable that you want to fall back on the "traditional" (for a lack of a better word) thoughts to dealing with marriage problems. I can understand what you mean, however, you have a W who is engaging in a behavior that you will see has & will change her character a great deal. She is not the same girl you married. No doubt, you will not want to accept it, and will want to defend her. It may take a little time before you can see what I am saying.

The fact is, she feels done with the M and with you. You may not have seen the worst, yet, but I think you will. If you read a lot of threads here, you will see many stories of how the W will tell her H that the OM and she are "just friends". Even when the A is discovered, many W's will still deny it. I think you will finally be amazed how much she does not seem like the woman you knew. I only tell you this b/c it sounds as if you want to defend her. Supporting your W in the way you may have originally thought a H should do in times of trouble........may not be effective at this point. You have to be realistic about what she is doing, and what she chose to give up.

She will probably want to keep part of you in her life. Not as a H and maybe not as her lover, but whatever she wants.....it will be in her time and how she wants it. However, she will want OM also. She will not be willing to give him up. At the moment, she wants to make you believe she is confused and needs time to find herself. This is very common to hear. In fact, WAW's in an A say so much like other WAW'S that we call it "script". It is as if they are all reading the same words!

In DBing, you will learn how to deal with your stitch. First of all, you need to learn about what we refer to as detaching. Most newcomers have a difficult time getting our meaning. I will copy another poster's definition of it, b/c I want you to see exactly what it is.

I can tell you from my own experience and from what I have read and studied, a married woman who has OM in her head is like a different category all to herself. The more you try to be close to her, the worse she will treat you. If you do any pursuing, she will pull away. I think many men are surprised to learn everything that is considered pursuing.

One of the hardest things for you will be to not rescue her from the problems due to her own choices. This is tough love.