Card29 VII

[uRworthy]

Hey Card. I am going to be really honest here. It does you no
good if I'm not.

I think your conversations have given her a lot to think about. I am glad to see that you are letting her lead on this. She needs to work through this in her own way. Its really important that she does.

This has to be about her. She keeps saying she felt violated. The fact that she keeps repeating it leads me to believe that she isnt feeling validated on this.

It is best to keep it simple,"I am so sorry you are hurting. It was never my intent to make you feel that way. I was wrong to look at porn and put it before my wife. I know that caused a great deal of problems between us."

It is really important that she feels heard. This is really, really difficult for a woman, C. Its why she is asking if she was a good wife. She feels that it is her fault in some way.
That it was because she was lacking.

I told her that she took her frustrations out on me for a long time, even ones that had nothing to do with me, and that drove me away for her for a long time.

I would imagine she was frustrated with the way your marriage was and knowing what you did. Be careful there.

I think I could have overcome my porn habit a long time ago if she had met me with love on the topic. Instead she just expressed her disgust.

I know you didnt say that to her, but, I am concerned that you are thinking that. It sounds as if you are blaming her. I would imagine it would be very difficult to meet that topic with love. It is a very hurtful act that clearly made her feel as if she wasnt enough.

She told me today she felt violated during sex for much of our marriage, which hurt to hear. not because I forced or pressured her, just because there was no intimacy.

A woman needs intimacy before the physical, C. She needs to feel connected, loved, cherished. She didnt feel that.

As I said, this has to be about her right now. There should not be anything from you to imply that if you got back together, things would be different. She will think, "Yea, right."

You need to show her that you have changed. She needs to see something different than what she has seen before. And she needs to see it over a long period of time. She needs to feel heard.

Her trust has been broken. You have to earn it back. You do that with consistent actions over time.

Let her lead. Do not get pulled into convos like the one about whether she was a good wife. That just leads to problems. No matter what you say right now, she is going to think she wasnt a good one because she wasnt enough.

Treat her respectfully and with dignity. Show her compassion, strength and honor.

You can do this, C.