Jim0987 #7 - rebuilding but can't tell what it is

[jim0987]

Perhaps you could think of the full cycle that your W needs to go through? Would it help you?

I thought i'd answer this on my own thread.

so the process my W would need to go through in my mind is
- OM would have to screw up and/or end the relationship
- Wife would have to have healed from some emotional wounds that i have inflicted, real and the ones she has subsequently convinced herself of.
- Wife would have to see my changes and believe in them
- Wife would have to realise that she could be happy with me and that a full reconcilliation is possible
- Wife has to believe that i wouldnt be punitive and controlling in accepting her back
- Wife has to be prepared to own her part of this, face her guilt, overcome her stubborness and seek reconcilliation

When i read the MLC forum its these last 3 that seem to be the most difficuly of them all and i think for any of those 3 to take place I think she would have to reach a place of absolute despair where she feels she has no other choice and she is just too independently minded for that.

either that or she has to miraculously discover the same belief in marriage that I have. That we made a commitment and that until we have jointly tried everything we should try to make it work (For us and our kids)

In terms of the arc, as i said my wife would have to hit absolute rock bottom before even thinking about coming back and i think for her BD and the way the arguement unfolded over 3 days may well have been as close as she will ever get. As she picks herself up from rock bottom she is rebuilding herself without me, rather than turning toward me.

I think the big problem I have with the timeline is the associations I make from my experience.
- My Dad divorced my Mum but he and his affair partner have now been together for 27 years. (married for 15)
- My wifes parents relationship started as an affair (both married to other people) and they were together 34 years (until he died)
- I was a WAFiance' to my ex. and that was for my W. and as you know from my situation we've been together 6 years got married and had two amazing kids. (my ex is now happily married to someone who by all accounts is a really great guy)

its the last of these that gives me the most difficulty for a bunch of reasons.

The only affair example I can think of that hasnt been relatively long term is my SIL. She left her husband but then her AP didnt leave his wife. She didnt reconcile with her husband and is now remarried.

even W's PF has been in an affair for well over a year but they are both still with their spouses (well they were a couple of months ago - its all a bit sketchy).

I keep thinking that my best bet is to somehow bust the affair (I actually think a nicely worded, unthreatening and polite letter to OM would do it) but the advice here is that I should just ignore the affair and get on with my own life.