Riding the rollercoaster

[dawgy]

Hey all . I havent posted much as of lately . Things are a bit different under my roof . W is still here . I told her to go ahead and leave but she seems hesitant . I asked her if she was leaving before xmas and she said she didnt plan on it . She swears she isnt seeing OM anymore but i dont believe a word she says anymore either . Ever since i ve told her to go ahead and leave she seems to be holding in and then she becomes nice . She was very nice for several days but this morning she seems bothered again . Mornings seem to be bad for both of us . I really do feel for her , I know she must be torn up inside from all the damaged shes caused . And now im ready to throw in the towel and she knows it . I didnt think i would get to this point but Im so very tired . It wore me down . Ive just crossed the one year mark two weeks ago and I feel defeated . Ive done everything possible to keep the family together . Ive given space < time < forgiveness, patience . Then i went the other route , boundaries tough stance and even crossed the line into the abyss and committed assault on the OM . I heard things and seen things no spouse should ever witness of the one they love but I held tight . I dont see any end to the madness except for her to leave me alone so i can move on with someone new .
Can anyone out there say something to give me a boost to maybe ignite the flame in me again and continue the fight ???? I hate to tear my boys hearts out , thats been my main concern through all of this , but i can tell they are seeing cracks in what used to be as solid as a rock . Not on my part but definitely the way Mom treats Dad . This has got to stop or she HAS to leave .If she could on;ly understand my ability to forgive and forget in time , but all i see is anger and guilt in her eyes > DAWGY