Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #1

[HPoirot]

Journaling...

My emotions are catching up with me again. The happiness and even satisfaction I felt just a couple days ago seems far away. I cried again today and the shakes are back. I haven't cried in days. This is awful. Yes Vapo it seems now that I've relaxed a little with no big goal to work towards... I'm starting to feel alone and hopeless here in the condo. Resting it seems is not at all good for me. That, and I don't feel like GALing or doing anything right no.

My OW from years ago called me again this morning. She mentioned how, when we were in our A fantasy, should could have never imagined she would return to her M much less make the compromises she has made to make it work. She mentioned how she stopped calling me to detach (we had an ocean between us at the time) and it took months for her, and a trip to an L to see how expensive and painful a D would be, to get over us and back into her M. And this was without her H knowing about our PA. Without MC as her H refused to go. It was hard and it is still hard for her working on her R. She makes her own happiness now without relying on her H for it as he still comes up short in emotional connection. She's being strong enough to accept her choices.

I can't see my W being that strong. Especially as her fantasy world is only an hour's drive away. I would have to do a lot this year to be a man only a fool would leave in her eyes. To make it a natural choice for her to stay. To change in ways that are authentic to me so I won't always be dancing to keep her happy. It's going to be hard work for us to rebuild our family. She's right now only interested in going out, having fun, drinking, and being taken care of like a queen.

And already I dislike her on the 3rd day of being away from her. I've read other sitches where time and space started to heal feelings enough for the WAS to start wanting small contacts even while in an A. I want to get to that... where I'm calm enough to be around her without feeling fury or needing to win an engagement. So, I'll just go day to day here and start GALing again until I feel better. I will continue to remember to act with grace and calm like I know I should. I'll remember not to punish her for any of this even while she's acting like she's done nothing for me to feel angry about.

I just don't feel like doing any of that right now.