Hello everyone. I need some advice, badly. Well, my lawyer is still on my case for now. He and my W's lawyer (and W) are in a big hurry to get things over with and finalize the D. I am realizing that this is not what I want. I realize now that part of the reason this bothers me is because of the fact it is the last step. After this, my M is well and truly over. My family as it was is over. Not only that, the timing, during the X-Mass holiday's is also a problem as it will be a reminder every year of the end of 21 years of M and the pain my W has caused those that love her the most. Not only has the holiday season not slowed my W or given her any pause, it has seemed to have the opposite effect. She seems more desperate than ever to get the "cure" to all that pains her, the end of her M. She still seems to think that it will be the magic cure all for her. She left the weekend of my D19's birthday which means that every year on her birthday we will be reminded of her leaving, now she wants the holiday's (and my D14's birthday, which is this week) to be a reminder of the final nail in the coffin of our M. I'm starting to think that my W acting on the girls birthdays isn't a coincidence. It may in fact be a reminder to her that she is getting older and THAT is one of her biggest fears...that she is running out of time. Just like so many MLCers, she has been obsessed that she must do this as time is short.
I'm sure the fact that my life is not yet in control, that I haven't yet started my new job and and gotten my financial house in order from the hit I took because of my W's great timing, is also weighing on me. I would like to at least have started getting things in order before I have to deal with finalizing the D. Her journey of total selfishness is still in full swing, I see zero progress toward self awareness, no realization of her own part in how she has gotten to where she is now. I really believe she has much, much more "baking" to do before she is even close to getting through her MLC. Way too much time needed to "wait" her out. In fact, she probably needs to get the D she seems to think is the ultimate answer before she will ever make any real progress. I would just rather that it didn't happen now.
I don't have the time and energy I really want to have for this meeting right now. Going in broke, trying to study for a new job, work the job I have now, not let the people I work with now know I plan on leaving, etc. isn't how I want to be. I want to be in a better position, more stable, more in control. I just don't see a way to keep her and her lawyer at bay until I can make progress on those fronts. My own lawyer seems to want to get things over and done asap. Of course part of me doesn't want to ever need to do this. You know that tiny sliver of hope that we all have that our S will somehow "wake-up" and stop the madness. That I do understand is just a fantasy. I realize that. I just would rather go into this strong and in control!
Anyone have any thoughts on this? Am I just best off doing this now and getting it over with? Am I missing anything that I just haven't seen yet?
