KGirl - one year later

[KGirl]

Aaaargggghhh. No, I still feel pretty awful. Left work early. Having trouble making it through the day sorts of feelings. Seeing him and talking with him just threw me in this tailspin and I feel like I'm starting all over and am so desperate to have him back. Not feeling confident in being alone at all.

I feel like I saw some potential positives or hopeful things, like:
-he obviously finds me attractive still
-he likes spending time with me and talking to me
-he said it'd be hard to find something like we have again and it would take a really long time to know someone that well
-he said this wasn't how he wanted this to end up.

But then there were all the negatives:
-he said people don't change (but yet there were other times where he referenced that people can, like "what I've wanted has changed over time"?)
-he said that he can't be satisfied having only dated one person, he's always going to wonder what else is out there. I can't really do anything about that, unless I'm just so awesome he becomes uninterested in anything else...
-he expressed that he wasn't going to date or do anything physical with anyone while he was still married because he was morally opposed to it, but said it in a way like he was counting down the days until it could happen. Asked me things like "would you come up to me at a bar if I was wearing this jacket?"
-he outright said he wasn't going to change, didn't see a need.

So I start thinking about missing him and being attracted to him and 10+ years of memories and goals and experiences and I don't want to throw that all away. I really want to be able to forgive him and get past this and maybe have something new. But then all the anxieties creep in.. can I really believe him that there hasn't been someone else (I mean there was clearly an emotional thing with his coworker which hurts just as much)? That doesn't necessarily mean he hasn't been trying or scoping things out. He's been traveling a lot for work, who knows what he's been doing. There's so much lost time - I just don't know if I'm capable about not being jealous and anxious about what he's been doing the past 6+ months. Can I really accept him as he is if he doesn't change? I don't think so. Maybe he would change if he saw I could, but maybe not at all. And then I think this would be impossible. And it doesn't matter at all if he refuses to be open to the idea.

I guess this is why I can't talk to him or see him, and why it has to be "all" (or at least trying to make it work) or nothing. The friends thing will keep me on the roller coaster forever. It's like I can't talk to him or see him without getting into a conversation and him being flirty and me getting my hopes up. When we kissed he put his hands around my face and stroked my hair and said "don't cry.. you don't need to cry" and WHY can he do that and then say he wants to be with other people and leave me behind? I asked him if he was happier, then, without me. He didn't know.