Quote: I understand how frustrating it must be to see someone slip into old behavior patterns but I think you should take a look at what you said here. Pam was doing much better right? People make mistakes, they slip back into old patterns, they get upset (aka backsliding).
Yes, Pam has been doing better. I guess I wasn't as upset about all the snide comments as I was about the coworker contact and comments that I'm just trying to screw her in the settlement.
Quote: Right now you're still pretty sensitive to all of this stuff because it is what has caused the D in your mind. I'm not saying you're not allowed to be angry... but how do you think this sensitivity affects how you react to Pam and especially her recent backslide?
Yeah, I probably am very sensitive to all of this. I think I'm reacting poorly at times. There are times when the thoughts going through my mind are along the lines of "Well, I've tried to make this as easy on you as I can. If you're going to be that way about it, screw it.". I think some of that is frustration, and some of it is probably because I'm hurting.
I'm going to try to be more aware that I'm upset because my button has been pushed, and tone down my anger/frustration before responding.
Perhaps the best response is to not respond to the jabs?
After all, Michele does say that doing nothing is still doing something. Perhaps this in combination with some sort of reward when she DOES talk to you with respect?
Have you tried this with Pam before? What were the results?
With my husband, lately when he's responded with an abrubt, "And??" or "So??" I've ignored it the first few times, but then when he continues to respond this way, I've told him that I felt that he was being disrespectful.
He apologized and started talking to me respectfully again.
So, in my case, drawing his attention to it, helped. Perhaps something to try if ignoring the jabs doesn't work?
Hey, I just wanted to mention something I noticed recently.
Your recent posts are really great... for the first time you're really opening up and accepting some responsibility for your part of things. Perhaps this has been going on in your mind all along but you haven't shared this much with us before and I, for one, really appreciate it!
I don't mean this to sound condescending but I'm really proud of you in those last couple of posts! I guess what I mean by "proud" is that it gives me a really good feeling inside or makes my heart warm up to see this kind of introspection come from you for the first time.
Quote: If her behavior was as you've stated above, then her actions were deplorable. She DOES know better, she's been on the BB long enough to know that she crossed the line...but CHOSE to do so anyway.
I don't know about "deplorable", but I didn't like it. I guess it's frustrating that I'm still feeling like she's monitoring my every move and getting upset every time she doesn't like something. We lost power at work one day last week, and I soon got a voice mail that sounded hateful questioning why I'd signed-off IM. She's made snide comments about my going to the dog training club or dog shows, etc. It feels like she's recruited a team of people to keep track of me at times.
I understand that she's hurting, but it's very difficult for me to not feel that same "controlled" feeling I've felt for a long time.
Quote: I ache for Pam and the pain that she continues to inflict upon herself by her inability to draw upon the emotional and intellectual strength, that I know she has, to deal with this heartbreaking situation in a mature and self elevating manner.
She doesn't believe me, but it hurts me as well. During our marriage, it's been very difficult to see a person who's always depending upon someone else. It's seems like every time something doesn't go the way she'd like, she becomes the victim. It seems like things always become somebody else's fault.
Quote: This is a difficult time for Pam. This is the closing of the door on a huge chapter in her life, she just hasn't seen ahead far enough yet to know that there IS life beyond her relationship with you, and very possibly a more satisfying and happier one then she'd ever have imagined possible. T2
I feel like P has always let too much of herself be defined by who she's with.
I'd say that it doesn't get any more satisfying or happier than with me, but you guys know me too well!
Quote: Perhaps the best response is to not respond to the jabs?
After all, Michele does say that doing nothing is still doing something. Perhaps this in combination with some sort of reward when she DOES talk to you with respect?
That's very often the best response, and the one I try to make. I feel P tries to get attention any way she can at times. The other day, when she was leaving all the voice mails, I intentionally didn't respond until the voice mails had stopped. I figured if I'd called back, we'd have ended up fighting again. When she can learn to respect my time/needs, I'll respond.
The problem is that I sometimes respond when I shouldn't.
Quote: Your recent posts are really great... for the first time you're really opening up and accepting some responsibility for your part of things. Perhaps this has been going on in your mind all along but you haven't shared this much with us before and I, for one, really appreciate it!
Actually, I've always accepted my responsibility in things. I'm not good at using the BB for "dialog" though.
Quote: I don't mean this to sound condescending but I'm really proud of you in those last couple of posts! I guess what I mean by "proud" is that it gives me a really good feeling inside or makes my heart warm up to see this kind of introspection come from you for the first time.
Thanks. I guess I don't really feel like I'm doing anything differently other than being more open about posting my thoughts to the BB.
Well, you guys have convinced me to try something I'm not comfortable doing. I'm going to post some random thoughts for the day...
PMA is doing fairly well today. My sinuses weren't hurting yesterday, and I got plenty of restful sleep last night.
I'm feeling a little sinus pain today, but I'm trying to get some meds into myself to head it off. The sun is shining and it's fairly warm, so it's unusual that they'd be bothering me.
I suppose with all the cleaning I had to do when I moved my office, that I'm feeling the need to get things at home organized as well. I'd planned to do some cleaning at the house while I was off this week. It doesn't appear that's going to happen so I'm sorting and organizing some of my things here at my sister's. I had a stack of "don't know if it's a save or toss" papers that I've been needing to go through. It's time consuming, but I'm making progress. It also helps boost the PMA.
Yesterday was a bit overwhelming on the BB, so I'm mostly taking a break from it today. Thanks to everyone for their posts though.
glad to hear you've found a PMA booster and if you've got a mind to get some stuff organized at the house why not just directly ask Pam if you can do that. But then again you've got other stuff to keep you busy for now so it may not be pertinent.
Quote: glad to hear you've found a PMA booster and if you've got a mind to get some stuff organized at the house why not just directly ask Pam if you can do that. But then again you've got other stuff to keep you busy for now so it may not be pertinent.
Actually, I have directly asked several times. Her response has consistently been that "she doesn't trust me and my whore enough for me to be in the house when she's not there".
The other night, I mentioned needing in the house to get my tools to work on the car. I said I'd also like to work on cleaning the stacks on my desk. She said that I could, but it would have to be a time when she was there.
I have other things I need to take care of, so I'm not pressing the issue.
