Your emotions will fluctuate for a while as you and S11 adjust to a new way of living apart from W at the condo. Those feelings are normal as you and S11 forge a new life together.
From where I am sitting, W is being reactive to not having you and S11 around so she's reaching out a bit frantically. Nothing wrong with that as she's probably emotional about this as well.
There will be opportunities down the road for you to connect with W. Now is not the right time as you need this break for your own mental well being.
A word to the wise about hiring a credit repair company. Be really careful as some are scam companies. I personally feel that most people can do it without hiring a credit repair company. Just need to order a free credit report from all three reporting agencies and take a look at it for any errors. If there are any errors, then write to the company disputing them. Also suggest that you check out the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau's website as they have great information and resources for you.
all of this ^^^^, x 2. We can't post links here, but check out the myfico message forums for some EXCEPTIONAL strategies, tactics and like-minded support for credit repair. They literally changed my financial life.
If she REALLY wanted to talk... she could have use a few more words in her text... "I REALLY need to talk about _______." She also could have left a voice mail.
I agree. You have learned hard lessons about her manipulation tactics.
Don't rescue her from what she's feeling right now. She needs to experience this reality. This is what it feels like to break up a family. IMO, she should not get to reach out to you to comfort her......when she was the one who brought this all about. That point is what she has to face. She must deal with losing the man she didn't think she wanted for her H.
I know it must be terribly hard for you not to contact her. But if you did, I think it would be extremely difficult to get her to stop bothering you all through each day (just as she's done all the time). You wanted some peace, and I personally think ignoring her texts is the only way to get her to stop sending them and keeping you upset.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Don't rescue her from what she's feeling right now. She needs to experience this reality. This is what it feels like to break up a family. IMO, she should not get to reach out to you to comfort her......when she was the one who brought this all about. That point is what she has to face. She must deal with losing the man she didn't think she wanted for her H.
PURE GOLD right there, and SUCH a valuable peek into the wayward mindset for you, HP. Sandi, you are such a blessing!
Thank you Vapo, Wonka, Starsky, and Sandi. I really don't want to mind read my W over these months away from her. I see even more now why GALing and detachment is important. Just a simple mystery text from her this morning and I still get angry and hopeful all at once. I remember those times she dangled false R hopes in front of me to get my cooperation. I don't want to dislike her but it's hard when I'm not detached and she keeps talking to me like we're buddies after the way she's behaved.
You're right Vapo in that I do often feel like I'm being a dick to my W but this woman has said and done some horrible things to me and my S11. I need to be firm on the space I'm making away from her for my sake and self-respect. You have to remember... she expected me to just go along with her plan like a good H for months while she enjoyed her fantasy life under my nose. If I have to look like a dick and see her cry when she actively tries to manipulate or disrespect me, I'm good with that. When she's not acting like that... then she gets the good neighbor from me. You have to teach people how to treat you.
That letting her experience her reality in this I see is important. Part of me did want to call her this morning. That part expected her to say how terrible she's feeling about all this so I could reassure her. Even before her BD, she would call me crying emotionally about what she was feeling when she felt sad or anxious. Then she would text "Sorry" later for getting emotional. I wish I had listened to her more then. I do want to listen to her now. It's hard ignoring all her communications when her problem with me is I don't emotionally connect with her. But she won't start moving my way unless she really understands she's losing me and my friendship and my support. And I will continue to hurt over her and her actions unless I can really cut the rope and then burn it.
This was just the first morning and I have 88 days of NC to go. I don't want to spend all that time dealing with her drama. She has to understand now that I am going and gone. She knows she has to do if she really wants to talk.
And thank you for the credit advice Wonka and Starsky. I will look at the myfico forum. I would prefer someone to just do it all for me at this point. I'm again tired today but I will get better at getting things done.
On another note... by appetite came back. I ate a lot of mostly junk food and juice and soda dad left in kitchen. Most I've eaten in weeks. I'll get back to heathy immediately.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
HP, many have followed your thread from the beginning and have an idea the struggle it was for you to finally reach the courage to make this move. You are right, she was horrible to you. Unfortunately, it seems to be a side-effect of being a WAW in an A. I pray that all of this will shake her to her very core until it begins to move her out of the fog. That's what it takes, you know. As long as things go the way she wants, she will linger around in the fog.
You need to resist your feelings of guilt. She knows you as well as you know her. She knows how to work you and the best way seems to play on your guilty feelings. IMO, you should not feel guilty for leaving that unhealthy environment and moving your son to an emotionally safe place, where the two of you can have time to recuperate and get your balance again.
I really respect what you have done and how you have controlled your anger, when many of us could not have done near as well. You have not been a brute, in fact I think far from it. Frankly, I think it is okay to have the feelings of not wanting to hear from your W right now. Sounds very normal considering all she has put you through. Again, don't let your guilt rule you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
