still holding on - 5

[u-turn]

Hi T-Mom. thanks for checking up on me.

It was a somewhat low PMA weekend, though I didn't show it. We had very little communication or interaction. I had some good moments with the kids though.

I had a great conversation with a H/S client of mine on Sunday, they asked the right questions at the right time and I opened up to them (I never intended to open up to anyone about this yet). They were great and supportive - it feels good to talk to someone that I trust. They are wise people, both went through divorces and gave me great supportive advice that is not different than advice here - I will get through this and be better in the end. The only smack that I got is when they asked me if I was really happy - before BD. That made me really think, and it was a little upsetting that I couldn't just say yes. I thought about this all day. She is a hospice councilor and is giving me the names of some IC that they trust and think it would be valuable to consider seeing.

This morning - W sat with me as I was eating my breakfast and told me she is reading some information on some website that gives her some hope, but also reads things there that just say I will never get over this and it's hopeless. This is unusual, we have hardly spoke about us in a long while.

I told her that she and I have different ideas of how to handle and move forward from this. She agreed.

She said that we cannot continue with with me being mistrusting - It's not mentally healthy for either of us. She doesn't want to constantly tell me where she is, where she is going, how long she will be there.

She said that I also do not talk to her about what I am doing. I agreed with this.

She told me that she ruined my trust - it is her fault.

I agreed that this is not how a normal relationships should be and has never been how we used to be.

I left this conversation open, because I had to go work. She gave me a hug before I left. She hasn't done this in weeks. I feel like she is warming up, but I don't know how to trust her, and I don't know if it's real, and I don't know if I should reciprocate and communicate more. She wants to go Christmas shopping for the kids tonight.

I'm not really sure how to continue this - I always think that I want to communicate more.