Jim0987 #7 - rebuilding but can't tell what it is

[jim0987]

So I’ve had a load of time sat on trains today and i know i should have been thinking about pretty much anything else but none the less ended up dwelling on my situation. And in particular setting stuck on the thought of how my wife has decided that life with me is so awful a prospect.

After failing to stop the thinking I’ve decide to try and channel it into more an evaluation of how I’m doing in the image i present at home. This is obviously my take as i cannot say what my wife sees or how she chooses to interpret it.

So positive behaviour she is seeing from me is
- I’m really hands on and very engaged with both my kids. And most of the time I have a plan to do something with them which is usually something very family orientated.
- I now just deal with the domestic stuff and do whatever needs doing without complaint. If she is doing things for the household then I offer to help.
- I’m doing a lot more exercise (running, kickboxing and Squash).
- I’ve been going out at weekends and some weeknights to do things –shes not asked where though i have mentioned bits during general conversation.
- I spend a lot more time on my phone – which may not be a good thing
- I have dropped the hurtful sarcastic comments (which previously i never realised were hurtful despite my W telling me they were - I didnt get it)
- I am acknowledging rather than defensive when my wife corrects. (this is a good 180 for me)
- For the most part I act happy around her, like I’m just getting on with my life.
- We communicate well about issues relating to the kids
- I’m showing and expressing more gratitude
- I’ve expressed concern when she seems upset
- I’ve tried (don’t know how successfully) to seem not bothered by whatever her plans are, I have tried to limit questions to what I need to know to manage expectations (will you be home for bedtime? Are you back tonight or tomorrow?). Ive been ok at this i think. though occassionally i will say something like 'its none of my business' which i think undoes good work.
- I’ve made one mention of OM1 (early October) and One mention of OM2 (the day before she went to see him the first time). She hasnt denied OM recently (because i havent asked) but at the same time lies about her whereabouts when she is seeing him.
- I have not called her out on her lies and act as if they are the truth
- I have shared with her some of the good news from work and other issues
- I’m being chatty and friendly when she is around but on general mundane stuff or things I like. Validating when she talks about things and being a more attentive listener. She mostly avoids me but when we are in the same room i talk as i would to friends and colleagues as silence feels like i’m sulking.
- When she leaves to do anything else or asks if i can watch the kids i give an upbeat and positive response as though it makes no difference to me (again a 180)
- I much more relaxed about small stuff that doesn’t really matter

Things/behaviours that are not so good
- I’ve pointed out that I’m much more relaxed about things that used to both me
- I haven’t got my curiosity under control. I’m always scanning for hints as to what she has been up to and she definitely picks up on this
- I cant always hide my sadness, particularly if she mentions the separation/divorce and Christmas (doing better at this being momentary though)
- I think i have given her too many compliments when I’ve noticed new dresses/shoes/haircut etc.
- I still cant look at her without seeing how stunning she is – particularly first thing in the morning when she is dishevelled without any make up on. That’s oddly when i find her most attractive. She cant not see that look in my eye.
- Too many comments slip into what I’m saying or doing to make some kind of cheap point or test a perceived bit of dishonesty
- I still allow my concerns and fears to influence my comments. It would be too subtle for most people but she will have noticed

A lot of the other 180s that I would need to do are dependent on the situation coming up these are things like emotionally being there for her, proving my trust, Enthusiastically agreeing decisions jointly. Equally for each of these my wife would need to give me the opportunity.