Happy 1 yr anniversary of the BD! I am so fortunate to have found this board just a few days after *the* speech.

I have no idea if this will help anyone, however, when I came to this board, I was $&@!ing devastated. I remember exactly what I was wearing when xh said "are you happy? I'm not happy....." Never in a billion years did I think I would hear those words or that he would leave. What did I do? Oh yes! I kicked it up in high fix mode. Did the wrong thing and said he had to "try." Scheduled 2 different counselors and a psychiatrist because xh thought he was having a nervous breakdown. I was even undeterred the first 2 times he said "he didn't think he wanted his marriage to work" because really? Who says that caca? How can you not want it to work? When he said it a 3rd time to the 2nd C, reality slapped me in the face.

When I came here, I had a hard time facing that I wasn't perfect. I mean-I am and was well aware I'm far from it. For a woman who has grappled with an ED and self esteem issues, it was too freaking much. It HAD to be all my fault. I was actually in the SSM section. That's how much in denial I was because again, I didn't know Rs ended this way. Another lesson I've learned. I drank all of the kool-aid spew my xh served, and remember distinctly about mid Jan 2014, that I had convinced my self I WAS the problem and I broke him.

365 days later, I think much differently. Oh trust me, I totally neglected my m. I was a great friend and partner, and a terrible wife. I did love my h and I allowed myself to become terribly resentful at him. I hated his mental illness, lack of coping skills, and inability to hold down a job while I did it all. And what did I do? Not want to hug, kiss-much less ML to him. And I often acted in passive aggressive ways to him. I also liked being *right*. Whoopee! Where had that gotten me as I haven't been on Jeopardy yet?:) Shame on me. I was wrong. However, I know now I'm not the way he portrayed me. I am not the most *horrible woman on the planet who ruined his life." I simply don't have that power.

A year later, it's better. I'm better. I don't know what the future holds although I know I have to give up the desire for control. Let it transpire. Just be. And for me that is a super duper challenge.

I hope to love again. I'm not afraid-just not interested right now. I'm blessed with 3 fantastic kids, great friends and family and my award winning (at least to me) sense of humor. I have more clarity than I've ever had in my life and dare I say , I don't know if I've ever been happier. It sounds crazy. I don't cycle as much and some days I feel positively gloriously fantastic in my mundane life.

So hang in there everyone. It really does get better. Xo

Last edited by Georgiabelle; 12/15/14 03:47 PM.


3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer