Busting this Divorce - Moving Out

[rd500]

Well done on PMA and all the best with the new place. Rd

[jim0987]

Good luck in the new place. I hope you and your son are happy there

[sandi2]

Wonderful job, HP!

[Vanilla]

Ready for a new positive HP?

I am waiting for even more change in HP. Becoming a man only a fool would leave.

So thrilled for you and S

Vanilla

[HPoirot]

HP,

Trust me...W probably crashed and sobbed her heart out after you guys left. She's been holding it in in front of you. She's not the Abominable Snow Monster, ya know.

To add to Starsky's comments in response to W's email, do what you feel is important to you and S11 as well. Look at it as give and take. Also would inform W that she has a very limited time to use your car as you are now separated and she will need to find alternative ways to travel.

Of course, you won't be a Grinch and make your W walk in 10-foot snow. Just use your common sense. Yet at the same time, she cannot have an unlimited use of your car since she made the choice to continue with OM. Let her put on her BGP.

I'd suggest that you respond to W's latest text about how are things...that you and S11 are settling in quite nicely. Keep it simple.

I know this is a HUGE change from where you were even two/three weeks ago. This was a necessary step for you to take...unfortunately. However, you will regain your center and create a calm atmosphere at home for yourself and S11. That is the most important thing you can do for you and your son.

Thank you Wonka for your advice.

On the car... W now says she has a rental car for this week. She did not ask for me to pay half. After this week, we'll see about sharing the car.

Thank you for your suggestion to respond to W's text. Honestly, I'm in a really good mood right now and I really don't want to respond.

Just a while ago, s11 and I went to the local grocery to get food. S11 had a great time running around in a new store and got stuff we never had before. He insisted. We got chocolate pie and chocolate covered ritz crackers. I, though, started to feel like my emotions were catching up with me. Not to bad but still. I did take my magnesium pills with help greatly with my mood. Also, I did treat myself to some rum tonight. I just want a break... to celebrate getting this far. I'll get back to regaining my center tomorrow.

For now, my s11 is eating mini cocktail hot dogs (something else new). If I can find some bitrthday candles, we're going to celebrate our new life (another s11 suggestion). I see he is trying to take care of me. He's a good boy... the best.

I should also admit... I talked to my OW on the phone today. I told her everything about my sitch. Told her I told my W about her and I. As she went through something with me like my W if going through now, she give me some valuable insight as she stayed in her M. She agreed with the tough love approach you've helped me take and is happy I'm getting stronger for myself and S11. We laughed a lot about everything I'm going through. We joked it was time for me to meet her H and let our kids play together. As if this couldn't get any more complicated. Don't worry... she's not in any kind of A space and neither am I. It just was nice for a while to laugh with someone I've known forever. Even though today I did meet 2 very attractive women who live in this building, I am committed to focusing on learning to live on my own and for myself and my s11 over the next 6 months. It's just fun to think of myself as single again.

From here I still don't see how me and W get to R. Right now that's just great. I did not cry at all today. Felt minimal shakes while in the grocery. Tonight I'm keeping my cell phone in the next room. I'll get used to W not being around quickly. Most important... S11 had a good time today and we'll keep going. This condo building is on the edge of a forest park. We'll be on the lookout for deer and as soon as possible go running on the trails there. Well be happy here and I'll keep doing my best. I have a lot to live for now. More than 3 months ago when this began. I'm at the start of the life I've always wanted.

Thank you all again.

Onwards.

[sandi2]

Yes, it sounds like you have a great son. So glad to hear he is excited. Hope he has a good first night, b/c I am pretty sure you will. You deserve to relax and have some uninterrupted quite time.

Good idea about putting your phone in next room.

[HPoirot]

Thanks sandi... I wrestled with my boy on the bed. It's bigger and softer than his old bed. It was so much fun picking him up and slamming him down. We haven't done that in years. Then he said... "Good job dad getting this place. It's like a hotel!" He loves hotels.

I saw that his mom called him and texted him on his phone but he missed her. I asked him... "Did you text mom?" He said he would. Then he read his comics. He was so happy. Then lights out. We laid there talking for a bit. Then I left.

I came back 15 minutes later. I saw he was under the sheets looking at his phone. I could see the lights through the sheets. I figured he was texting his mom. I pulled the sheets back and he laughed. He was watching YouTube videos. I took his phone, tickled him, and put him back to bed. I checked his phone. He never spoke with or texted his mom. She never tried to call him back. I left it at that.

Right now he's sound asleep. No panic... no anxiety.... Just fun. I'm going to bed happy. I'm a very lucky man.

Thank you god.

[HPoirot]

Day 1 in the condo went so well! I went to bed happy last night.

Day 2 started out not as well...

I woke up too early again... 4am. My mind filled with thoughts of where she is, what's she doing, what she's done.

I slowly counted my breaths as a meditation. That did help. It took me a while but I did get back to sleep.

S11 slept through the entire night. He woke up happy and playful. Helped s11 get ready for school. It went much better than it ever did in our old life. We ate together at the table and watched the sun come up over the trees (we're on a high floor). It was wonderful.

Then a text from W... "Have s11 call." A command. Ignored it. I noted how I let it bring my PMA way down. I felt irritation and anger. My head started to hurt. I got past it.

She later did call s11 on his phone and he picked up. Briefly said he had fun and love you mom. He did sound a little sad talking to her. I noted I walked out of the room to not hear her voice.

Drove s11 to school. Just 15 minutes now instead of 30 minutes or more. Nice.

Drove home. Started making a list of things to do today to get my life moving and to keep from thinking about my W and my feelings. Decided to make an appointment with an IC today.

Pulled up to the condo. Not feeling great PMA but determined to get there. Then my phone rings. It is W. I decline the call. I feel irritated.

Then she immediately texts... "I REALLY need to talk."

I feel my PMA go down again. Fought the "Why can't she just leave me ALONE" feeling. Fought the "I really want to know what she has to say" feeling. Feeling my head starting to hurt again. Fought not to mind read her. Considered answering with "What is it?" knowing any answer would be a mistake.

Got back to the condo and started typing this post. Was planning to not post today. To maybe take a few days off from here. To start living.

She just sent another text... "Sorry don't worry about it."

I'm not going to let her ruin my day. I know her pattern now... when I'm not responding to her the way she likes, she'll throw out something juicy but incomplete related to R like "I have something to say... it's a game changer" or "I've been so wrong about how I've handled us. I'm sorry. Let's talk." Hinting at something she knows I want to hear. Then, when I get sucked in to talk... there's no game changer nor "us" to be found.

If she REALLY wanted to talk... she could have use a few more words in her text... "I REALLY need to talk about _______." She also could have left a voice mail.

Still, part of me wants to talk. Part of me feels she's hurting and reaching out to me for help. Part of me is scared that I'm missing opportunities to connect with my wayward W. Wet noodle part. I'm beating that part of me with an ugly stick.

So, I'll know when she says something I want to hear b/c she will just say it. She knows my feelings and boundaries. She'll have to deal with it.

So this is some sort of temp check? I'm right to simply ignore these? I believe so.

Funny, all last night I felt a heard phantom phone buzzing. I did pick up my phone now and then to check for her message. Part of me still wants to hear from her. Got to keep busy so I stop doing that.

Today I'm...

getting work done
joining a gym
hiring a credit repair company
finalizing with the movers
choosing an IC and making an appointment
Calling about a tango class I'm interested in.

Thank you again everyone.

Onwards.

[Wonka]

HP,

Your emotions will fluctuate for a while as you and S11 adjust to a new way of living apart from W at the condo. Those feelings are normal as you and S11 forge a new life together.

From where I am sitting, W is being reactive to not having you and S11 around so she's reaching out a bit frantically. Nothing wrong with that as she's probably emotional about this as well.

There will be opportunities down the road for you to connect with W. Now is not the right time as you need this break for your own mental well being.

A word to the wise about hiring a credit repair company. Be really careful as some are scam companies. I personally feel that most people can do it without hiring a credit repair company. Just need to order a free credit report from all three reporting agencies and take a look at it for any errors. If there are any errors, then write to the company disputing them. Also suggest that you check out the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau's website as they have great information and resources for you.

[Vapo]

HP, you've caused quite a stirr on the forums and I saw a lot of referrals to read your sitch. You have demonstrated you have a great big pair of brass ones and I do agree that your W is checking if you will still come running if she whistles. It is natural that doubts creep from time to time. And while I have the deepest respect for your brassness I sometimes feel that you are trying to be a d..k (a male pendulum). Mind you that is only my opinion and I have been known to wrong in the past.

Have you thought about treating your W like you would a neighbour?

All in all you are doing awesome and I think that your low is just a release of energies after you completed your move which was a process that took a lot out of you, did it not. Now you simply recharge and power on my friend!

We are all rooting for you.