Busting this Divorce - Moving Out

[HPoirot]

Day 1 in the condo went so well! I went to bed happy last night.

Day 2 started out not as well...

I woke up too early again... 4am. My mind filled with thoughts of where she is, what's she doing, what she's done.

I slowly counted my breaths as a meditation. That did help. It took me a while but I did get back to sleep.

S11 slept through the entire night. He woke up happy and playful. Helped s11 get ready for school. It went much better than it ever did in our old life. We ate together at the table and watched the sun come up over the trees (we're on a high floor). It was wonderful.

Then a text from W... "Have s11 call." A command. Ignored it. I noted how I let it bring my PMA way down. I felt irritation and anger. My head started to hurt. I got past it.

She later did call s11 on his phone and he picked up. Briefly said he had fun and love you mom. He did sound a little sad talking to her. I noted I walked out of the room to not hear her voice.

Drove s11 to school. Just 15 minutes now instead of 30 minutes or more. Nice.

Drove home. Started making a list of things to do today to get my life moving and to keep from thinking about my W and my feelings. Decided to make an appointment with an IC today.

Pulled up to the condo. Not feeling great PMA but determined to get there. Then my phone rings. It is W. I decline the call. I feel irritated.

Then she immediately texts... "I REALLY need to talk."

I feel my PMA go down again. Fought the "Why can't she just leave me ALONE" feeling. Fought the "I really want to know what she has to say" feeling. Feeling my head starting to hurt again. Fought not to mind read her. Considered answering with "What is it?" knowing any answer would be a mistake.

Got back to the condo and started typing this post. Was planning to not post today. To maybe take a few days off from here. To start living.

She just sent another text... "Sorry don't worry about it."

I'm not going to let her ruin my day. I know her pattern now... when I'm not responding to her the way she likes, she'll throw out something juicy but incomplete related to R like "I have something to say... it's a game changer" or "I've been so wrong about how I've handled us. I'm sorry. Let's talk." Hinting at something she knows I want to hear. Then, when I get sucked in to talk... there's no game changer nor "us" to be found.

If she REALLY wanted to talk... she could have use a few more words in her text... "I REALLY need to talk about _______." She also could have left a voice mail.

Still, part of me wants to talk. Part of me feels she's hurting and reaching out to me for help. Part of me is scared that I'm missing opportunities to connect with my wayward W. Wet noodle part. I'm beating that part of me with an ugly stick.

So, I'll know when she says something I want to hear b/c she will just say it. She knows my feelings and boundaries. She'll have to deal with it.

So this is some sort of temp check? I'm right to simply ignore these? I believe so.

Funny, all last night I felt a heard phantom phone buzzing. I did pick up my phone now and then to check for her message. Part of me still wants to hear from her. Got to keep busy so I stop doing that.

Today I'm...

getting work done
joining a gym
hiring a credit repair company
finalizing with the movers
choosing an IC and making an appointment
Calling about a tango class I'm interested in.

Thank you again everyone.

Onwards.