Card29 VII

[Card29]

Long post but some really important convos between WAW and me today.

Well today was interesting and exhausting. Today was my big move day, moving of the big stuff out of the house. I had a few friends helping throughout the day, but WAW was there the whole time. She offered to help. I debated on accepting it, but a lot of the stuff she is keeping, so we needed to move it to her apt anyway. Yeah, I know, don't help them move. But we already had the uhaul, most of the move was mine, and I just felt "what do I have to lose at this point?"

It was a little awkward at first. Then she found out that a specific girl, let's call her Rachel, from work (along with 2 or 3 guys) were coming to help. I had told WAW stories about rachel for the last couple of years. Like how all of the guys think she's hot and act like teenagers after she leaves the room. To be honest I was never involved with those convos at work. But WAW would always give me a seemingly joking glare anytime Rachel's name would come up. She is the HR admin, so she would always mail out stuff about health insurance, company social events, etc. When WAW would open mail with Rachel's name on the letter inside; she'd joke that my "GF" was writing to me (yeah, those hot 401k letters...). When she found out she was coming today (along with her BF!), she was legitimately jealous and bothered by it. For one, I always thought we were both joking about the Rachel stuff. Secondly...wth??? You just told me you want a divorce and you're encouraging me to date. I flat out told her I was really surprised she cared. So that was the first slightly interesting thing.

throughout the day we had R talks. They were mutually initiated. I asked her what she really wants in life, she said she didn't know. I asked her if she wanted a family, she said yes, but that she wasn't dying to have more kids or anything. I told her about a change of heart I've had relating to a sermon from church a few years ago. The pastor said we should always value our R with our spouse over R's with our children. I never told W, but I disagreed with that. Since BD I've realized how wrong I was. I neglected my M and that is seemingly going to really hurt my D2 in turn (not to mention complete destruction of M). I told WAW about all of that today in the context of the convo.

She also said she wanted to start going to church together again, but in the context of post M. She said it was important for D2 that we do things like together (again, after M). I expressed confusion. She said it was important to do things together as a family. I told her I agreed that being together as a family is a really important, that that's all I want, but didn't go as far as agreeing to post-M normally family activities. I didn't bring it up, but what the heck...if she starts dating someone, what, he's going to sit with us at church too? I really think this is the foggiest area of her mind right now...her biggest fear in all of this is for a nasty post-M relationship between us like her parents had. I've expressed before that I don't want to be friends if we get a D (not that I want to be enemies instead). I don't know why she's so concerned about family activities if she doesn't want to give a try at all towards keeping the actual family together. I did not mention that thought to her.

Later, after we were finished with the portion of the move that required help, WAW and I were riding back to the house to move some smaller things. I asked her if she wanted to talk about anything else. She said no, but a moment later she asked if there was something specifc I wanted to talk about. There was. I confessed the porn addiction I had for our entire M. She knew about my problems in the early years, but she thought Id stopped. I lied to her for years. She was really hurt by that news. It kind of surprised me how much it affected her. I told her I thought what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her, but since BD I've learned exactly how much damage porn can do to an M, especially the intimacy of an M. She said it explained a lot. I told her her that I am in the healthiest sexual place of my life, no porn in the longest time since I first saw it as a teenager. I told her its one of the main reasons why I am so hopeful that things would be different between us. She didn't openly shoot it down. I validated her hurt feelings throughout the rest of the day. We had lots of laughs, we ended up really needing more help but had to do everything ourselves. at the end of the day we were completely exhausted. A couple hours after I last saw her, I texted her to ask how she was feeling (since her back had been sore, etc). She said she was hurting. I asked "about porn?" and she said yes. She said she wished id told her a long time ago, that we could have worked through that (I didn't mention that Id told her many times back in the day, that she reacted with judgment and shaming, which helped lead to my decision to just hide it from her). I validated, expressed deep regret again. She then asked if Id ever had an affair. I told her no, that the only "relationship" I ever had was the very light EA (a couple of flirty comments) last summer which she already knew about. She basically said she didn't know if she believed me and didn't think I'd tell her if I had, then told me good night. I validated her having doubts since I had confessed to such deep, long term lies today. That was the end of the convo.