KGirl - one year later

[KGirl]

GB - yes, it was only ever him. It's something that, like being D'ed, always carries with you and you can never get back (that was a pretty depressing sentence...) This is the person I lost my virginity to. It's hard to think about letting all that go and being with someone else in the future. Ack. I find myself wondering if maybe saying yes might have helped. I mean, it was tempting... he said it wouldn't have changed anything but who really knows? Double ack.

Pink - thank you for all your comments. There were several weeks (maybe even months?) at the beginning of this that I really thought my life was over. Suicide crossed my mind.. I don't know that I would have acted on it, but I did have thoughts like "I can't deal with this. I can't live like this." I think H recognizes that this is going to be a struggle for him. He said that he feels like he'll always be missing something no matter what he does or who he is with. If he ends up dating someone else he'll wonder what it would have been like to stay with me... etc. Not my problem to worry about, I guess.

I'm feeling torn. I feel like there is an opportunity here.. maybe? H had said some things I view as hesitation. He told me that we are really close and it's very comfortable and it's hard to imagine finding that with someone else again. He is obviously attracted to me. He likes talking to me and wants to spend time with me. The main hurdle is he thinks I can't change... well, and that he outright said he doesn't think HE will change, and I think there are some things that have to change (like his wandering "eyes"). I don't know if or what I can do. I worry that if I step off the NC wagon and initiate more conversation/being friendly that I'll get my expectations up and it won't mean anything. But it could also lead to something else. NC has gotten me nowhere. In fact, H has commented that we haven't talked in so long, so it's not like we're really in an R, anyway. I'm not sure what if anything I should do differently now.

We're texting now about various things. He first texted saying that I got makeup all over his shirt when we hugged, but it's OK 'cause he'll wear a coat to the store. I said "well if we hooked up, I would have gotten your hair messed up, then how would you have gone to the store?"
H: Easy - I would wear a hat ; )
Me: True.. touche.
And the conversation continues. Ugh. I don't know if this is what I want or what I should do. I want more than small talk but I don't know if small talk is the start to get me there. I'm tempted to say something like "why don't we try hanging out for a bit and see what happens? what have we got to lose?" :S :S