newcomer now receives mail in Hell

[bravo61]

wallowing

i saw the XW today. she came to church and sat in the back row. as soon as the kids were released from the stage, she took D and hid in the classrooms till the service was over. she couldn't bear the thought of seeing people that just over a 6 months ago were like family to her. after the service, i walked them to the car (she went by way of the outside so as not to run into anyone). while at the car i empathized that it must have been uncomfortable to come back and i thought she handled it with grace and class and was proud of her. she smiled and said thank you that is really nice of me to say.

so driving home all alone, i'm hit with a round of tear jerker songs-argh! keith anderson-i still miss you and lonestar-not a day goes by.

people i've been molested, abandoned by my family as a child, physically abused, shot, stabbed and i would go through that all again twice to get out of this pain i'm in now. it's not even just pain to me, but regret for what i put her through. yes God has forgiven me and i've forgiven myself but i still feel regret. like Card, i'm not suicidal, but i do understand that those people just want the pain to end. i'm sure that's part of the reason these WAS take down all the pics and revise history to try and dampen good memories to carry on their plan and to not feel loss and wonder if they are making the right choices.

my D started crying this morning because she saw a pic of a disney trip with all of us in it. she was crying saying why did mama have to break the pieces in your heart? why can't we be a family again and go to disney?

Lord, i'm sorry for all the wrong that i've done. you see into my heart and know that it wasn't on purpose. please heal K. please put a spirit of forgiveness in her heart and soften it. allow for a reconcilliation between us so that we can have the M that you intended. please keep them all safe. thank you for listening.