KGirl - one year later

[KGirl]

I went ahead and signed the paperwork. That was interesting and not really what I was anticipating.. at all... but I'm gonna type it all out and reflect on it later.

So I rang the doorbell, he invited me in, I stayed in the foyer and didn't go anywhere else. He gave me some mail. I gave him a sweatshirt from his sports team back in high school. He gave me a funny look and said "are you sure you don't want this?" Yep, very sure. He can give it to one of his sisters - they are all really into that sport. We took my stuff out to the car. He commented that my car was really cool. Darn right it is

Then I went back inside to sign the actual paperwork. That is where we got into conversation and I don't know if it was good or bad but... I should have stopped myself. He said "I'm really sorry. This is not how I wanted this to end up." So then I had to say "if that's the case.. then why is this how it's ending?" He basically then said he's already told me this, but that there were reasons, and that people don't change so doing counseling/talking about it/whatever wouldn't have done anything. Mainly that I always made him feel "guilty" and was too jealous, and then he felt like he could never do anything and at some point, felt like "why not do whatever she's accusing me of doing, because I'll get accused anyway?" His primary example was when he went to Las Vegas and I told him beforehand "you remember the rules, right?" Out of context that sounds bad. But the context was that for his bachelor party, he told me he had no interest in strip clubs/strippers and wasn't going to do it.. and then went and did it anyway. And when I asked why, he said "well you didn't say explicitly that I couldn't or that you wouldn't like it." So I felt like I had to be explicit from then on. It's this cycle we just couldn't end with each other, at least before, anyway, and he's sure it won't ever change. He also "Even if we did get back together, which isn't really an option, you would hold this over me forever and say I missed two Christmases and two birthdays... you'd never let it go." I said "Well, I guess you won't really have an opportunity to see that things could be different."

I think it was pretty ballsy of him to say that I accused him of things that weren't true, given how he fell for his coworker. He also reiterated that his other big issue is that he's only really been with/dated me and he has always wondered about other people and doesn't think he could ever be happy having just been with one person (so, doesn't that kind of give weight to all of my uneasiness I had about him in certain situations??) Not much I can do about that, I guess. He also said he felt like he acquised to me too much and "lost himself." I said if I could change it, I would, but I can't anymore, all I can do is move forward and try to be the best person I can be.

I noted there were things I wished I could have done differently, too, like enforced my boundaries .. he made a face at that like "what do you mean?" I gave an example of the EA he had w/ this girl online and how I didn't enforce the not talking to her after that and just let it go after he said I couldn't control who he talked to and he can be friends with whoever he wants. He said "Well, I don't really believe I needed to do that, anyway." I said that that was a problem and I want to be with someone who respects my boundaries (didn't say it was or wasn't him.. just "someone").

THEN... for your entertainment (and mine, I guess)..

H says "I was going to ask you something..but I probably shouldn't"
Me: We just talked about how being open and asking for what we want was a problem before.. why not tell me?
H: You're going to say no, anyway.
*I gave a bunch of somewhat ridiculous examples of things he knows I wouldn't do, and he smiled a bit.. then I just stood silently*
H: OK. I wanted to know if you wanted to have s*x one last time.
Me: Umm... well, I would give you a hug and a kiss. But I don't want to have sex with someone unless I'm in a relationship with them.
H: Well, we ARE still married..
Me: Unless you're willing to provide everything else that goes along with that.. then no.
H: I dressed up just for you.
*cue conversation about his new wardrobe, which included black skinny jeans...so not something he would wear before*
H: I would have had a surprise for you.. it's not a tattoo or anything..
Me: Did you get a piercing or something??
H: No. But I did some shaving.
Me: Umm.. ok... but you just said you were morally opposed to doing anything with anyone while you were married.. usually people don't do that kind of stuff unless they think someone will be down there to see it!
H: I know.. you were coming over.. so I thought it might be a possibility.

?!?!?!

How bad is it that I CONSIDERED IT?? You'd think after all this I wouldn't be attracted to the guy. I settled for a hug and a kiss... ok, 3 kisses. He said "If you change your mind, you know where to find me." I said "Same for you." I mean.. this was an issue in our M (he felt rejected too often) but given the circumstances.. sleeping with him would have just gotten my expectations up. Which I told him, and he said "yeah, I wouldn't want you to think anything of it.. it's just been a year now and it's been hard." I don't want to be someone's booty call.

I asked what was next.. he didn't know. He had the filing paperwork but doesn't know what the next steps are, hasn't put a deposit down on the attorney yet.

OK, go ahead and 2x4 me. I told myself no more R talk the last time we spoke. I am not doing a good DB job here. Can I count it a positive that I didn't have sex with him??

I'm still struggling with the idea of letting of things vs. learning from them. Is he right about me holding on to "trangressions" too much, and to what extent? Is it fair for me to have been distrustful at the level I was at? It's hard to say... it's like a chicken or the egg thing. We just kept feeding into each other (not trusting him --> him keeping more from me --> me distrusting him even more --> him keeping even MORE from me). Maybe this really is the only way to end it. I don't know.