Welcome back to the BB. I've never posted much to you, but have always appreciated learning your perspective on your and Pam's sitch.
I am sending message with some hesitation and want you to know that my opinion is offered with support and kindness. My take on this is that it isn't over. I don't know how much you have looked into the Five Love Languages, but Pam obviously needs Quality Time with you. She looks forward to your haircut appointment the way my kids look forward to the circus.
I know she is driving you nuts with IM and VM and email, but if you were meeting her needs of spending time together, she wouldn't need to use them. You obviously have needs that she wasn't meeting of yours either or you wouldn't have turned to another woman. I know it is not as simple as that, but then again, maybe it is.
I am being brutally honest here, which is awkward given that I don't know you outside the boards, but then maybe that makes it easier too.
Just so you know my perspective, my H moved out, but hasn't had an OW. He just wasn't happy. Once we got past the pain and anger and stepped back to look at where we were in our relationship, he and I have had a better relationship. One of his Love Languages is Affection - and believe me, his cup overfloweth in that area these days. In turn, he is spending lots of Quality Time with me and the kids, which is one of my LL. What stops him from moving back home, I don't know - I think time will bring him home.
But see what I mean? Find the time to spend with her - lay it on the line. Acknowledge that you both have not been good at meeting each other's needs, but that you are willing to try.
Is the OW really the answer? In the long run, will she continue to meet your needs? Doesn't she have behaviors that could drive you nuts in the long run too? Or visa versa? Is it the excitement of the affair that drives your relationship?
If any of these questions give you pause, then remember back to what brought you and Pam together. Try to recapture that before throwing everything away.
What are you in a hurry for? Your unhappiness didn't happen overnight. Your relationship deserves that both of you work together to improve when and how you communicate. Who knows what might happen? What is the worst thing that can happen - You click back into place as a couple...if not, you work out a fair settlement as friends, not adversaries.
JMHO.
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
