Busting this Divorce - Moving Out

[HPoirot]

Yes thank you Wonka. That she shouldn't feel rejected is what I thought you meant and it is certainly what I meant to say. I do want to somehow show her that I am accepting her as she is right now even though I do not like how she is being at all. I think that is the better way to be... strong enough to accept her as she by not being too bothered by her while not tolerating her misbehavior by moving on. I'm still working on that clearly. That is how I feel detachment should be.

And yes sandi I agree that she is still manipulating the situation. Yes that interaction with her was enough to put a dent in my PMA and I did feel guilty about "running over" her again. Then there was the cat...

S11 had a great practice. One of the other moms, W's friend, came over to say how sorry she was.

After practice, s11 and I went to have lunch. He was in a good mood. W called him on his phone and he dismissed the call. I have never seen him do that before. I didn't say anything about it.

We then went home to get the cat. Our cat is a wonderful, friendly, kind cat. He is also old, stinky, and dying. The first part of our family to go. S11 and came and got him quickly. W was back to supermom showing concern over S11's welfare about losing the cat. She suggested he stay with hr while I surrender the cat to the shelter. He came along with me.

It was terrible.

S11 didn't cry but you could see he was angry. And it was a long, frustrating wait along with many happy families adopting pets. S11 kept asking to get a new cat. I kept saying "you'll have to ask mom." No cats in the condo.

At the end, we were both angry. S11 didn't want to talk. W called him again and he hung up again. My PMA was hurting.

We got home. W was looking pulled together and overdoing supermom again. I went upstairs to pack. She followed and closed the door behind her. I was not ready but just kept packing. She sat on the bed and said "we have a lot to talk about."

She started talking about scheduling. She was ready for the conversation and had a notepad to write on. She talked liked all this was the most natural thing in the world. Again like there was no problem. Again impatient that I was not just going along.

I kept packing. I did answer... agreed to share the car on days she needed to work or had S11. Told myself to be more cool and comfortable but failed. I moved slow... kept busy packing... but I was clearly angry and did not look at her. There was a some resistance in my words and more in my body language. It was not horrible but I could have done much better. I wanted to be able to look at her and say "sure that's fine" or "no that doesn't work for me" in that conversation but instead I came off the hurt one while she stayed composed and in control.

And I see how. I see now she had a couple vodka drinks this afternoon before we got back. She's downstairs now on the couch telling s11 how nauseous she feels. She's also back to supermom. Telling S11 we'll figure it out, she wishes we could have lived together longer like she planned, and "here have some cookies." In short, she's still acting like our last night together in this house is no big deal.

Funny, S11 began saying he wanted to stay with her tomorrow. I did not fight that. She wanted that a little as a couple days ago. Instead she says "I think daddy wants you to go with him." She's also asking me what time I think we'll leave. So we know where she stands.

I am sick of the way she's acting right now. Talking to her son like she's the best mom in the world. Now she wants to go shopping right now to get toiletries and sheets for his room in the condo. Wants to take s11 with her.

I don't think I will be brining up her stepdad tonight.

Moving out tomorrow.

[HPoirot]

Sandi I forgot to mention... yes I read my earlier post before your post and saw how I was about to go overboard being nice to W over her stepdad. The s11/cat experience and W surprising me with the scheduling talk made my being nice like that less likely.

But now I'm ready for 60-90 days of NC. I'll ask questions about specifics on responding to any communication she might make I go along.

And the way she's acting tonight... I see how I'm taking it personally. Her casualness about this, her not really comforting S11, her trying to take charge of the schedule to get her weekends free of S11, her overplaying supermom... I know this is all typical in sitches here but it's hard to take in person. Now she's looking tired and miserable again. She says she'll do her shopping for S11 in the morning. Looks like her liquid courage is fading.

But she seemed determined (before now as she's crashed on the couch). Not the crying pitiful mess she acted like just a few nights ago. I don't see sadness about what is happening tonight and tomorrow. No regret or remorse. Nothing. Just business. S11 can't sit still and is talking non-stop to her about everything except what is happening here and she is not getting that he is anxious about all this. I know very well now not to expect her to show remorse or anything like it tonight. It's still hard to see.

I know in 90 days it is likely that nothing on her side will change. That she may act just like she's acting tonight or worse. That she may never really reach out to me in a way I could trust or build a new M on.

And right now that's OK.

I'm going to go be with my boy.

[HPoirot]

First, I just want to thank all of you here. When I first came here I was so clueless and really really afraid to lose my wife. Now, I do feel genuinely stronger, much smarter, braver, and ready to live a life without my W. (True... my W's behavior did help me feel that way faster.) I still want to save my M if possible. I have a lovely family and a chance at a wonderful M with this unique woman. I know I am worth it so I am ready to continue work on myself starting now.

To that end... time to learn how to do the logistics phase now. I would prefer to be the best me I can be here and do what works related to my goal of saving my M. I do not know what is in my W's mind so I can only work on me. Right now I want to continue standing up for myself and my S11 while leading my family.

I've had good results there by turning this sitch around regarding the condo. I see my W is in fully accepting my leaving for the condo tomorrow and separate Christmas plans. My W tried today to regain control it seems by setting the schedule. She will now stay in our current home until the end of the month. After that she says she will stay with a girlfriend (S11's former tutor) who lives not far from the condo.

I asked her for her dates to keep S11 and to use our family car. (She resisted the rental car idea b/c of the price. I don't have to win that one.)

Here is her letter...

Hi HP,

Here is tentative schedule. Let me know if you are ok with this plan.

S11 will be with you through the morning of Wed Dec 17th. I will pick him up from school on the 17th. and he will stay with me until noon on Dec 21.

He will be with you from noon on Dec 21 until noon Dec 24, Christmas Eve.

I will bring him back to you at bedtime on the 24th. I will then pick him up Christmas day around 2 pm if that works. He will spend Christmas night with me until mid day Dec 28th.

I will drop him off Dec 28th at noon. He will be with you until Jan 1. I will pick him late day on the first so we can depart first thing Jan 2. There is a chance I will be traveling this week to see Stepdad. He is failing and the doctors don't think he will last the next few months.

I will have him until Jan 6.

We can figure out the rest of Jan later.

You will be here to meet the movers on Jan 2. I will make sure the house i cleaned and packed.

I hope this works.

I do not have a problem with the dates except for this week. She wants s11 from Wednesday to noon Sunday. He has a science fair project I am working with him on and basketball practice Wednesday nights. We should be flexible in case he has to spend until Friday morning with me to get his project done right. I'm also think I should be at his bball practices I support him there.

Also on dates, I will have to check with work about taking days off during the holiday weeks so I want to delay firming the holiday dates until Monday. And, I would prefer those noon drop offs on Sundays to be late day around 4pm.

The real issue I have is the car. On her days to have the car and get S11, I would prefer we specify she will arrange a ride to my condo or take the bus to pick up the car instead of me driving the car to where she is and taking the bus back to the condo. Also, when she drops s11 and the car off to me at the condo, I would prefer she arrange her ride home. I do not want her to think it is OK to ask me for rides everywhere.

As always, I don't want to be punitive with any of this so I want to learn how to express my requirements in the best way.

Any suggestions for how I respond to this or any email like this would be greatly appreciated.

She certainly full speed ahead on this. No wavering or crying now. She's also back to not wearing her wedding ring.

Thank you again for all of your help.

Moving to the condo tomorrow.

[Starsky309]

HP,

Respond with whatever logistics work for you and S11, no more, no less. The time for worrying "how to respond" are over.

Stop giving your drama queen wife so much valuable real estate in your brain.

Starsky

[gan]

Good luck with the move today, HP. Thinking of you.

[BigMac]

Good luck HP

[Maybell]

Have a great move, Monsieur.

[HPoirot]

Thank you everyone for your support. Finally made it to today. All packed. Just waiting for w to come back with the car.

FWIW, feeling good things happened this way. If this was me from the beginning of this, I would be much more emotional. Instead, I'm just ready to go. I did clean up the house... Got rid of the cat litter... Things like that. I'll be nice leaving here. I'll mirror W and then drive off with s11. I'll get chocolate pie tonight for s11 and me. I'll stay near him when he goes to bed.

All this is the right thing to do... 60 - 90 days NC. I do not reach out at all. I do not look to see her. If I do, it's businesslike and brief. I have a lot of life changing things to do. Like Starsky said, no mental energy on W. None.

Thank you all again for your support and advice. You've all truly made a difference in my life. I'll never forget you or this forum.

Onward.

[HPoirot]

Just and update... me and s11 are in the condo. No problems getting here...

When W came back, S11 and I we're ready to go. We loaded up the car. W talked with s11. I was polite and upbeat. Answered W's questions very businesslike. W mentioned she now has a rental car for the week when last night she said she didn't have or want to spend money on that. She did not say she needed me to pay for half the car. Also mentioned she left this morning to get the key to where she was staying.

When we were done loading the car, and s11 was in the car, I went back inside. W was standing with her back to me. I asked "is there anything else?" She turned and said "no that's it." She was starting to cry. She walked over to me close looking in my eyes. I looked at her evenly. I was ready to go. She stood right in front of me. I did not go to hug her. Neither did she. I said "see you later." As I walked to the door she says behind me.... "If he needs me please call me and let me know." I say, "sure." I walked out the door and drove away.

But I forgot my coat! So I drive back 10 minutes later. She comes to the door and exclaims... "What's wrong?" I see she's been crying. I simply say I forgot my coat, get it and go to leave. She goes out to the car to talk with S11 again. She laughs to me about something s11 said. I acknowledged her, got back in the car, and drove away for the last time.

...

We've been here in the condo for a couple hours. S11 already says he's going to have fun living here. He's taken over the PC here and is watching his videos. He really likes his room. There is a candy machine in the basement here so I sent him down to get some chocolate. We had the leftover Chinese food for lunch. Dad was good enough to leave beers in the fridge. I am enjoying beer and chocolate while watching the pre-game shows. Dad called to check in. All's great. I'm feeling great PMA. Starting to relax...

Then, just as I sit to write this post... I get a text from W... "How are things?"

I want to ignore that completely.

So my first condo phase question... Do I answer these texts from W about how "things" or S11 is doing when she can just call him direct (though he may hang up the phone)?

Replying "S11 is fine." is the polite thing to do. At the same time, she knows to contact me only if she has an s11 emergency as I've told her twice.

In any case, thank you all again for your help and for your support in me getting to this condo with s11. Wonka, I likely would have never thought to move here without W. I can't imagine the hell if she was here with us now. And then to actually make it happen... to tell her and then stand up to her begging... with all of your help after all the hell and manipulation she put us through. For her to just stand aside today and watch us leave seemed impossible a couple days ago. It still bothered me she was acting like we're just going on a little adventure while we were around... but to see her crying when we came back unexpectedly... maybe there's hope for her. I wish her well.

Right now, S11 is happy, I am relaxed, and football is on the big screen.

We're going to be great.

[Wonka]

HP,

Trust me...W probably crashed and sobbed her heart out after you guys left. She's been holding it in in front of you. She's not the Abominable Snow Monster, ya know.

To add to Starsky's comments in response to W's email, do what you feel is important to you and S11 as well. Look at it as give and take. Also would inform W that she has a very limited time to use your car as you are now separated and she will need to find alternative ways to travel.

Of course, you won't be a Grinch and make your W walk in 10-foot snow. Just use your common sense. Yet at the same time, she cannot have an unlimited use of your car since she made the choice to continue with OM. Let her put on her BGP.

I'd suggest that you respond to W's latest text about how are things...that you and S11 are settling in quite nicely. Keep it simple.

I know this is a HUGE change from where you were even two/three weeks ago. This was a necessary step for you to take...unfortunately. However, you will regain your center and create a calm atmosphere at home for yourself and S11. That is the most important thing you can do for you and your son.