So, H came in today to pick up the kids. He came into the house and was
quite, gave me a brief hug and kiss. Waited a little bit and was gone.
Came back to just leave the kids. Gave me a brief hug and kiss and was leaving when I asked if I could say something to him.
I walked with him to outside and said that since I will probably not be seeing him tomorrow, that I would like him to know that was worth it, all the way.
He looked at me trying to make believe he didn't know what I was talking about. Poor job, I could tell he was pretending.
H: What was worth? Me: Nothing, just want you to know that. H: Why you saying this to me? Me: Because I want you to know that 18years beside you was very worth it every minute. H: And why you saying you won't see me tomorrow? Me: Well, you were here today for the kids, I don't know if you have any plans with them for tomorrow.
Then H chokes, can't speak, just hug me very tight and for a long time.
Then, he says he really appreciate me saying it to him. That it means a lot to him.
He stand there looking at me, then I said that it was just what I want him to know. That I do not want to bother him.
He says I never bother him. We say good night and he left.
And, I feel like there is a monster in my stomach, I feel weak, lonely. I am paying a very high price for all my stupidities. I don't want to think it is all lost, but I can see he is trying very hard to detach from me.
Maybe I should let go today. I will try not to think much because my guilt feelings are killing me. I will wait until tomorrow is done and I can think better.
I have hope that some time from now I will look back and fell a little better, when pain is not gonna make my heart bleed so much like today.
