I am not a vet, but I think you got to the top of the mountain. It's time to take good care after yourself girl.
Your H is very confused, stressed out and is dealing with meds, he does not know what path to take, and maybe does not know if there is any path at all.
You said that his parents were very manipulative, and I see that in some ways that is what he is doing. I am not saying he knows that, but he is doing it because it's what he learned to do to handle situations in his life.
The whole meltdown is a sign of weaknesses. He put himself in that position because he does not need to confront himself. His insecurities does not allow him to see with clarity, he is in the fog.
And if he has some issues like Bipolar Disorder or Personality Disorder, then he won't see anything the same way you see it. It would be good to determined that he has or not those kind of mental issues. It makes a world of difference if he is diagnosed and takes the correct medication. He becomes just normal again. The fact that he did start acting this way after his family reunion just show that it could be the trigger for all meltdown.
So, I would take a step back and think about the patterns, what you think he is looking for with all this. He does not want to be far from you, he trust you and he probably love you. But in the same time, because you are a determined person, you are also a symbol of his failures, his inferiority.
He may never say this to you but deep inside he knows he needs to step out of his comfort zone. He needs to confront his issues by himself. You can give him some support letting him know you care deeply for him, but you may want to make it clear that he needs to sort all this stuff up on his own.
Maybe, you need to make it clear to him that you want to work on your M, but going through this hard time in your life made you understand that you had your own problems and have decided to work on making yourself a better person.
Maybe the best is to have some time and space, and you can even tell him that. That you have been thinking and decide to give yourself some time to work on your own issues.
This will make him think. Also will give him some perspective that he is not the only one that struggles during this time.
The least what you want is to make things worse, and it just sound like the stress is growing. He is going in circles, buying time so he does not need to face his own issues.
With kind words, and I mean just kind, not kissing his behind, you can let the guard down for a bit and let him see the fragile side of you. You don't need to look needy, but look as a person that had enough. That this whole drama is poisoning your soul.
In some ways he may also take a step back and think of what he is doing, what he wants, what he may lose, what is important for him and most important who he is in all of this mess he create for himself.
The most important thing here is not "do what is the same and does not work". You two are going cheese-less tunnels. Stop, think, breath, reassess, look for options. You know this man and you can probably think of what happens when you talk to him is way A, B or C. How is the interaction between you too when you say things that show you more vulnerable, maybe this way he can step up and feels that he makes a difference for you.
You know that the tough side, the controlling, confronting, being bossy is not working for you. Then, even if you need some time away from him, think about ways that can better approach him. If he calls you, be nice to the point it does not hurt you. And then be off again. You don't want to go dark, but you don't want to suffocate him. There must be a balance.
I hope it helps with some ideas, It's just a perspective from a 3rd person's eyes.
Be good to yourself, don't beat yourself up. I have been trying very hard to be gentle to myself and it's helping to reach my core.
