Just one thought about your 180s SD. You mentioned when you were in the "Not Getting It State" that you were going to stop doing some of those Acts of Service you had been doing. IMHO that may be a wrong move. I think you've got to be consistent and perservere here even though you're thinking why should I be the one doing all the work?
I can imagine what will go on in your Ws head if you stop those AOS. It'll probably be along these lines. "I knew it wouldn't last. He was only doing those things for sex. Its all about sex."
Its tough but you've got to hang in there. I also agree with what Tim had to say about once a week on Fridays. Its funny that all those books we read tell us that scheduled sex can be fun etc but apparently it is putting pressure not only on your W but on you as well. Maybe you need to rethink that one a bit.
And hey if its any comfort to you, at least you are getting somewhere. I'm still not receiving any passionate kisses from H. Only those lovely pecks which I am not complaining about. At least theres some improvement. Previously it was always me who had to give those pecks and usually I only get to give a peck on the cheeks but now H doesn't mind kissing on the lips and sometimes I'm not the kisser but the kissed. Even that is a baby step for me to be happy about. I get to give him a goodnight kiss and he will give me a goodmorning/goodbye kiss in the morning. Once I tried to get more, so I blocked his way and asked for a kiss. He obliged by giving a friendly peck. I put on my best pout and said "Awe, give me a proper kiss". To that, H smiled and gave me another friendly peck." Needless to say, I went to bed with tears in my eyes becos I was so dissapointed I couldn't even get a passionate kiss out of him but of course H did not know that. I couldn't start an argument or kill the moment after H looked so happy and relaxed etc. Your sitch looks a whole lot more hopeful compared to mine that I wouldn't complain if I were you. Take it slow and steady becos you ARE making progress.
SD, I'm on here late on Sunday night and your story has me somewhat depressed. Of course, I'm halfway there, anyway. (Fight with W tonight).
I think everyone has given you great advice so far. Stick with it, don't leave your filthy socks laying around, go the extra mile, stiff upper lip and all that rot.
This morning I should be happy because it's Friday, I'm on a promise and we are spending Saturday night in a luxury hotel. Also coming up this year is 2 weeks in Florida, a week at the seaside and my business could be about to take off big time. So why do I feel low? Why am I not excited about tonight? Why am I at work writing this to you when I should be refining my business plan? Yesterday was my W's birthday and I made a huge effort. Lots of cards and presents, laughing and joking amongst the family. However I felt nothing coming back to me. Not a glimer of appreciation or anything. This morning she left for work with hardly a backward glance let alone the usual peck. Is it possible that she could be rediating love in her language but I just don't have the receptors to pick it up? I can honestly say to you at this moment of writing that I have ND for tonight. I hope I feel different then but I have never felt like this before. SD
Superman, Listen I think we have all been where you are at. Where you just are SO TIRED of the fight and the fact that you get so little response, but that doesn't mean that you can give up!
You are giving up prior to the night even getting here so that you can head off any disappointment that might arrive. The problem with that is that your depression or misgivings about the night will send weird signals to her and your fears will become a self fulfilling prophecy. Remember Hairdog's confidobics?! Do them, today, and pronto.
Tell yourself that you are attractive and virile and ready to go tonight. Be alive and lustful (in moderation, now, don't freak her out, lol) and she has a MUCH better chance of responding to THAT guy. After all, if you are moping around and feeling negative she will be thinking to herself, "Who would want a piece of THAT?!"
If you are confident and irresistable, then regardless of what she does, it will be on HER shoulders. She will be thinking, What is wrong with me? He is SO wonderful!
The alternative could be that she is thinking, Gosh how can he expect me to be filled with desire over a man who is moping and negative and thinks the worst about me?
So chin up, my man. BE THE MAN, no matter what she does. You can do this! Strut around like a peacock, flex your muscles, whatever it takes to get your mojo back.
We're all pulling for you and I don't want to wake up tomorrow morning and read some namby-pamby message about how it just "didn't work out". You make it work out! You deserve this, SD.
Good Friday. It's been a while since I have been on this forum. I am staying at MIL's house over Easter and have had no private time to read and post. At a very large shopping center with W and D16, W held my hand unprompted for a few seconds (very rare). We had a brief conversation about holding hands and then DD16 held my hand (for a lot longer). DD16 likes to hold my hand and she told me that her mum (ie. my W) doesn't hold hands as well as I do. "That's interesting" says I "What do you mean". She told me that she holds your hand for a second or two, squeezes it twice then lets go and scratches her nose. As an experiment I slipped my hand into W's and sure enough she squeezed it twice, let go and scratched her nose. D16 started laughing and told W why which was bad because it left a negative vibe with W about holding hands. In the evening we watched “Love Actually” which is an incredibly romantic film and made me feel very loved up. At one point I made a move to touch W’s arm but she brushed me aside leaving me with the impression that she has no capacity for love whatsoever. It sent me into a funk that got me concentrating on the message in the film that you should go with your heart and all I could think about from that moment and all night long was my OW who I haven’t seen for two years and whose birthday is very soon. My mind was buying her a card and choosing silly presents and meeting her again in a secret car park. I don’t want to think that way. This morning, though, we had a nice chat the theme being how I was not to bring up our R problems in front of D16, which is fair enough. Also that D16 is still suffering from insecurity regarding my fling with OW which made me feel bad. I assured her that I would not do it again but that I was frustrated because she did not appear to be working at our R. She told me that she loved me and that she was working at it in her own way. I got the impression that she was telling the truth and told her that there is bound to be a cross over period on our way to a better relationship when bad old habits such as anger and rejection occasionally come to the surface but we must work through them. She agreed and I was left feeling quite positive. It's a topsy turvy life we lead... SD
Hiya SD. I missed you, bloke. Yes, life with out spouses is definitely an up and down adventure.
Loved the "hand holding" story. My wife is actually quite good at hand holding. We have a special grip, and it always makes me feel nice when we use it.
Hairdog, who has to leave work early today to do the dumb things we gotta do.
Quote: At one point I made a move to touch W’s arm but she brushed me aside leaving me with the impression that she has no capacity for love whatsoever. It sent me into a funk...
Careful, SD. Framing things in absolutes is ALWAYS harmful... and NEVER useful. Obviously your W does have a capacity for love. She (somehow) fell in love with YOU... Also, don't forget... that fling with OW will have ALL kinds of effects, on your R, and W, and D16. I agree with your W about not discussing R stuff in front of her. We keep our "dirty laundry" VERY deeply buried around the house...
I get to give him a goodnight kiss and he will give me a goodmorning/goodbye kiss in the morning. Once I tried to get more, so I blocked his way and asked for a kiss. He obliged by giving a friendly peck. I put on my best pout and said "Awe, give me a proper kiss". To that, H smiled and gave me another friendly peck." Needless to say, I went to bed with tears in my eyes becos I was so dissapointed I couldn't even get a passionate kiss out of him but of course H did not know that. I couldn't start an argument or kill the moment after H looked so happy and relaxed etc. Your sitch looks a whole lot more hopeful compared to mine that I wouldn't complain if I were you. Take it slow and steady becos you ARE making progress.
Obviously your W does have a capacity for love. She (somehow) fell in love with YOU... 
Also, don't forget... that fling with OW will have ALL kinds of effects, on your R, and W, and D16. I agree with your W about not discussing R stuff in front of her. We keep our "dirty laundry" VERY deeply buried around the house...