Remember when the little detective fell in love with the Russian jewel thief? And his pain when he realized she was the culprit? And then he didn't turn her in to Scotland Yard. He told her everything he knew, put her on the train, and said goodbye to her. He wanted her to change her ways, but he saw her off knowing she didn't want to. And then he turned to his next case.
You chose your username wisely, Poirot, did you realize it?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Thank you everyone for your support. I didn't think of the detective's pain when I chose my name. Another way things are working out lke they're supposed to it seems.
...
When I came downstairs, I warmly said good morning to S11. W was sitting on the couch right next to him. She didn't say anything so I didn't say anything to her. I could have said "good morning" like I was saying It to all in the room. W made a show of talking to S11 about her application for a rental car. I told s11 I'd be back to take him to practice and left. I showed good PMA was upbeat cool and moved smoothly. I didnt say one word to her though. It was another role reversal.
I'm not going to let my dislike for her ruin my PMA. I'm going to remember to feel empathy for her. That I'm not perfect either. That punishing her does not help anything. That I can act now lke I'm feeling good about moving on and that has nothing to do with her. I can do that.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Remember when the little detective fell in love with the Russian jewel thief? And his pain when he realized she was the culprit? And then he didn't turn her in to Scotland Yard. He told her everything he knew, put her on the train, and said goodbye to her. He wanted her to change her ways, but he saw her off knowing she didn't want to. And then he turned to his next case.
You chose your username wisely, Poirot, did you realize it?
Wow! Beautiful.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I'm not going to let my dislike for her ruin my PMA. I'm going to remember to feel empathy for her. That I'm not perfect either. That punishing her does not help anything. That I can act now lke I'm feeling good about moving on and that has nothing to do with her. I can do that.
This is all great! You can do it.
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Me: 35 Her: 33 D : 16 S : 9 Together: 14 years Married: 12 She left 4/14/2014 Separated: 5/25/2014 OM Confirmed 7/2014 She filed 8/7/2014 I Filed 10/21/2014 Divorce final 2/12/2015
Thank you all again for your wonderful support today. I'm feeling great PMA. Maybe a little too much though...
I got boxes and made it home to get s11 for bball practice. When i came in the house i cheerfully asked S11 if he was ready to go. Then dropped of the boxes at the door. W watched me do this. I did not say a wird to her. I then didn't stay in the house.. Waited for s11 outside. She came to me looking miserable again. I felt great the looked it.
She said "first... Good morning". I did not say good morning to her earlier. I'm the rude one now.
Next she said her stepfather was being moved to a hospice as his cancer was getting worse. She said he was dying and she was trying to find a cheap plane ticket to go be with her mom. She said she realized it was over Christmas.
I think I said ok.
It was only until later that I realized I was so focused on myself and my PMA that none of what she said had registered with me. I did not tell her sorry about her news. Did not show any empathy at all. I was definitely acting like someone not waning to be married at all. I was very wrong here.
She then started talking about when I planned on getting to movers. I said January 2. This would not give here the extra time in the house she asked for.
She said she was planning to take s11 to the seaside resort for a night with her girlfriend and her son s11s friend. I smiled and said no problem send me your dates.
All through the conversation she was giving me a sad "why are you treating me this way " look while I'm smiling at her. I can see how she could feel that way. I did not consider her feelings or what she was saying as I am in full "I'm so happy to be getting away from you right now" mode.
The truth is I don't want to be attentive to her needs right now. I'm in a great mood looking forward. I'm not upset that's she looks miserable after her show of supermom this morning. So this me being passive aggressive again? How can I have high unstoppable moving on PMA and be nice to my W as she is being these days?
One of the things chuck told me to be careful of was me appearing to slam the door on R. That she would give up hope for us if I make her feel she has no chance with me. She clearly getting the message she has no control on me now and I'm sure I'm looking at her like she's less than dirt when I smile at her misery.
I do want an R with her. I do believe we can have the M we both want. I can be the bigger person and act right even while she gives me nothing.
So I'll ask her about her stepdad later. I'll sit and listen and vailidate if she speaks to me. Can have her feeling like the rejected one here, right?
Last edited by HPoirot; 12/13/1406:24 PM.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
So I'll ask her about her stepdad later. I'll sit and listen and vailidate if she speaks to me. Can have her feeling like the rejected one here, right?
Hello Wonka. Typo... Meant to say "can't have her..." Even so, are you say she should feel like the rejected one? Just making sure I understand. Thank you again for your help.
Last edited by HPoirot; 12/13/1407:03 PM.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Guess it's just me and it is terrible to think anyone would use this kind of situation with a sick/dying step-parent to manipulate, but at this point, I believe she would do anything to make you feel badly over moving out. Not that she could help what is happening with him, but she takes advantage of whatever she can use. She chose just the right time to tell you, and had the sad & pitful face. Did you notice how she said a "cheap" ticket? She is using this as surely as she was over-playing her supermom role while you were listening. But she couldn't even speak this morning while having a grand time with S11. And she knew she didn't b/c she started out by saying what she should have said earlier.
I hope you will stop yourself from going too far the other direction (like you have in the past when you felt guilty for not responding the way you thought later). I don't think you should offer your shoulder to her to cry on. She meant to make you feel guilty, and she succeeded. Now, out of guilt, you will go overboard in listening and validating. Why can't you just tell her you are sorry to hear about her stepdad, and leave it at that? If you don't, I'm worried you will repeat the same old patterns.
You don't have to be cruel or completely insentive, but neither should you rush in like the concerned H/BFF. She chose to throw that away. Don't allow her to use a sad situation to make you feel sorry for treating her the way she doesn't like. Btw, this may sound punitive due of my lack of explaining it more tactfully, but I assure you that is not what I am thinking.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
