Jefe - Climbing out of the mire - #8

[Jefe]

We, the girls and I, have a Cristmas party to go to tonight and we have one next Friday as well. Besides that, I have no plans for New Years or Christmas and I'm not particularly looking forward to either. Any arrangement we come up with, somebody looses. And the kids loose no matter what the arrangement. But it's out of my control and I just have to accept it for what it is.

Maybe I'm too emotionally attached, maybe I'm just plain mentally I'll. Maybe I'm just too selfish. I just don't know.

Nothing new in the pipeline other that trying to change my employment situation to something a little more predictable and stable. I understand this is largely my fault and this may be the only thing I have control over at the moment but I feel just so hopeless. The future looks so uncertain and scary. This too shall pass. The past 30 days have just really taken a toll on my PMA. I look back to 60 days ago and I think I was functioning a lot better. I could be wrong, though. It wouldn't be the first time.

Detach seems to be the word for the week. I'm working on it.

For some reason in my head I feel like if I detach it means I don't care. I get that this is crazy thought, but it's there in my head none the less.

One of the topics we discussed last night was happiness. She doesn't understand why everyone isn't concerned with her happiness and why we can't understand that if she is happy the kids will be happier.

She's right. I don't understand.

Getting past the holidays and the funeral will a monumental achievement for me.