Busting this Divorce - Moving Out

[HPoirot]

Had my first DB coach talk with Chuck. A good man... very knowledgeable.

Most of the call was me telling our sad sitch story.

He liked a lot of what I've done. All the amazing advice here is working for me he thinks around me being a better man only a fool would leave, establishing firm boundaries, increasing my W respect for me, and most importantly increasing my self respect and inner strength.

He was concerned about W taking my actions and attitudes as punishments b/c of my shows of anger. He suggested I apologize for times I treated her harshly. To say that I value her and always want to have a good relationship as the mother of my son. That sounds good. Maybe I give her a speech like that right before me and s11 leave. Or maybe better an email after we leave. I may have trouble with a speech. And how to do this and show I'm moving on?

He also talked about giving her chances to see better me. To start being nice to her again... someone she would want to be around. That I suppose will have to come as it comes with contact over S11. I'll could also start responding positively to her appropriate contacts like when she says something heartfelt. This was suggested before... once we move and things cool down, take chances to warm to her if or when possible.

Finally... he suggested I consider giving her the family Christmas. That, as she remembers so many specific things I've done wrong over the years, she will never forget my "ruining" her Christmas. That, while it is logical for me not to have Christmas with her, she is acting purely on emotion. It could begin healing if I did show up for her. He even suggested I consider doing the couples weekend with her in January to at least show support for good co-parenting. (W brought this up again even after I told her I knew about her PA saying anything could happen in those weekends). I admit I have trouble doing either nice thing with her in her A. I'm against being her friend under these conditions. He did mention non forgiving hurts me more than her. I'm comfortable forgiving and I get better with my anger everyday. It's my self respect that keeps me on this path. Chuck mentioned if I keep doing these things from an attitude of self respect instead of punishment then I would be DBing and have a better chance at R.

So, to help her, I fixed the car ignition switch problem today when she arrived home for lunch. She had some panic moments today with the car stalling. She offered to go around the corner and get me a sandwich. She talked to me about S11 and told me goodbye when she left to pick up S11. It was all very pleasant and friendly while I pulled way way back and was businesslike.

That's the way it has to be I see. I'm the bigger man and her A means zero to me now. If I keep showing anger I show her I'm still holding tightly to the rope.
I have great PMA and only a little tension when she was near me. I did not initiate conversations but she did.

GAL tonight with my dad and S11 at the Condo.

Packing tomorrow.

Moving to the condo Sunday.

[Wonka]

HP,

I am glad you had a session with Chuck. Do you feel that you have a clearer sense of your own road map from your discussion with him?

[HPoirot]

Hello Wonka. What I really wanted to know from Chuck regarded my approach to W now that I'm moving out and away from her. As I am very excited about my new life... I see myself initiating little to no communication with W. I am concerned I may like my life so much that I actively push chances to get better with her away.

So I asked Chuck about how to get back to being nice with her after all that has happened. That will be hard for me as he suggested apologizing for my anger, Christmas together and even the couples counseling. I like better the idea that I create enough space for her to start moving towards me. I'm fine with that taking months. Whether or not she sees my changes as she had before is not my priority now. Just making my changes, GALing, and taking care of S11 are my priorities.

That was the only thing... how to perhaps re-connect with W while I live without her. Honestly, I would love to have zero communication with her for at least 30 days. Then, if she tries to contact me start in on some light talking over coffee. If she doesn't contact me then that's great too.

She can always call S11 on his phone to check up on him. She may not have an apartment soon so she may not be asking to have him over much in January. We'll see.

Any thoughts on his suggestions?

Off to GAL at the condo.

Funny, she asked me for a ride to her holiday party. She then decided to take a cab or bus as I wasn't leaving when she wanted.

On the way out, she tells S11 that, on our way back from the condo, we can stop by her office if he wants to come up to the party. He can just call her to let her know. Tells him to "tell daddy that" although she is talking plenty loud enough for me to clearly hear her. She knows he won't want to go to her party... just again using S11 to be transparent about where she is going to be. Why is she still bothering? Maybe her IC has her doing this but why would it matter to her what I think about where she goes? I acknowledge with "OK" but do not ask for or anything about her transparency speeches. It would be great if she was transparent like I detailed to her... but if that ever comes I know it won't be for many many months.

OK ... now I'm of to GAL.

Take care everyone.

[BigMac]

Glad to hear you talked to the Coach. They are pretty amazing.

You'll be amazed at how much good it does you to get space away from your W. It will be good, I'm glad you are looking forward to it.

[Starsky309]

That was the only thing... how to perhaps re-connect with W while I live without her. Honestly, I would love to have zero communication with her for at least 30 days. Then, if she tries to contact me start in on some light talking over coffee. If she doesn't contact me then that's great too.

I'm not opposed to the concept, but I think 60-90 days would be more appropriate. She has to feel the loss of you. REALLY feel it. And I also think you have been a little more "manic" than most in terms of setting down and properly detaching and are now getting to SUCH a stronger, calmer place . . . I'd have to see you lose that too soon, HP.

Just my two cents.


Starsky

[HPoirot]

Thanks Starsky and BigMac. Yes I am very much looking forward to separating from my W now. It is really the best thing that can happen in this sitch b/c I am truly done with her drama. I will not miss the person she is being now. I will work to stay calm and not be passive aggressive or any way aggressive on our way out.

And yes Starsky... I agree that 60-90 days would be ideal. I LOVE that idea. Not so much for her to feel loss... but for me to really really detach, get stronger, and enjoy my life. I want to respond nicely to nice contact she may make. Otherwise I will not initiate contact. I will not go to events together with her if possible. S11 has basketball games now. She may ask for rides to go. (She incredibly asked for a ride to her party today after all that has happened.) I'd like to warmly tell her no for my piece of mind. Thoughts on that?

...

We had a great GAL with s11's granddad. No panic attacks or sadness from S11. Chinese food and a movie. The movie, Maleficent, talked about lies and betrayal between lovers. S11 picked up on that and said... "Are these the kind of lies happening to our family?" Nice. I'm glad he says these things to me. I explained that yes sometimes people you love can treat you badly but you can still forgive. Now to only show him how.

...

We start moving into the condo tomorrow. All we need to bring are clothes. I am very very grateful.

S11 asked what his mom is going to do. I said, "That's up to your mom." I really don't know what she's going to do.

She's at her office holiday party right now. Had a drink already before she left. We'll get to sleep before she comes home. That's the best way.

One day to go.

[Vanilla]

Condo day.

The day of the condo.

So excited for you and S11. Maybe you can be like little and have a pagan ritual!
I see you and S11 in my minds eye doing Xmas pagan feasts. Like the wassail link

http://youtu.be/JTazCqcD7Ls

Have a wonderful time in the new Condo both of you, music , laughter, trees and wassail.
Good thoughts to you today
Vanilla

[BigMac]

HP:
Good luck on your condo day. The day that I moved into my own place with my S9 was extremely hard emotionally (We ate oven pizza on a cardboard box in the center of the living room).

At the time the emotions felt crushing, the stress was so high I could feel the adrenaline under my skin (felt like acid).

The point I'm making is be prepared for some serious emotions on your move. They are normal, it's ok to feel them.

And don't let your WAW use those opportunities as a way to manipulate you. Be strong.

[HPoirot]

Thank you Vanilla and BigMac for your support. I'm getting ready to start the day.

I'm getting gout of bed very late today... almost 9am. I'm recognizing that is usually not good for me and my PMA. I see I've been in bed all this time fighting anger.

W has been downstairs this morning with s11 being over the top funny with him over a TV show she is watching. Really entertaining him and being very happy even gleeful with herself. All the while her phone is beeping with incoming texts.

Now, I know I have control over how I view what is happening now. I have been in bed interpreting how she is badly for a while now, though. I see I have been feeding my anger.

So now I'm going to turn this around. Take my ice-cold shower... breathe... get dressed... breathe... and focus on what I need to do.

Be polite and friendly. Move as slowly and cooly as I can. Excuse myself politely and cooly to go get boxes. Come back... start packing. Take S11 to his basketball practice. Come back and give the cat away. Come back and keep packing. Drive out to the condo to drop things off. Maybe I'll stay out there tonight and leave S11 here with his mom so they can pack his stuff together. Thoughts on that?

Keep going. Keep going.

I can do this today. Last night I felt great and I choose to feel that way again right now.

My life is starting now.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

[SemperFi00]

Thoughts and prayers are with you HP. Just caught up on your situation.

Seems like you are making good progress and you are right, you can do this!

Stay strong