Quote: We need our partners to have the desire for us to get home from work, the desire to share interests, the desire to hold our hand, the desire to kiss us passionately, the desire to tell us how much s/he loves us, the desire to go to bed with us. Without that our marriages are based on a foundation of sand continually shifting from under our feet. HDs, look at that list of desires - you have all of them and more yet your LD/NDs have none of them. How are you ever going to build a GREAT MARRIAGE without equality of desire?
I'm not disagreeing with you, Dave, but I think it's a little more complex than that. Plus, I think there may be one or two assumptions in there that are not helpful.
First of all, I think we need to be sure we're talking about the same thing here. When I said "maybe desire is not the right goal, I was talking about the thing we all feel, the lust, the thinking-about-IT-all-the-time feeling that we HD's all know and love (and HATE at the same time because we're so frustrated!). Now, there are different degrees of that, I'm sure, just as I'm assuming there are different degrees of LD.
I'm also thinking there may be different REASONS for LD. We've all read about those whose desire fluctuates. We can't understand that anymore than we understand LD/ND to begin with. However, I think we can ALSO assume that there are those who are simply WIRED differently... their chemistry and neurology are such that they will NEVER experience the same levels of sexual desire that we do. Does that make it impossible to have a fulfilling marriage with such a person? I'M NOT SURE... but I'm starting to DARE to think (and hope) that the answer to that might be "No."
One thing Michele says is that a desire gap is the norm, not the exception. If we assume that our partners are WIRED differently, and that they may NOT be able (for physical reasons) to feel the same heights of sexual desire for us that we feel for them, then 3 things:
1. That knowledge may cause us to feel differently about our situation than if we assume our partners are "doing it on purpose"
2. We may want to set different goals for our relationship
3. We may want to try different approaches.
The OTHER side of the equation, of course, is our PARTNERS. They, also, need to buy into the process, recognize that there IS a problem, that they SHARE the problem, that it is not just OUR problem, just as WE need to realize it is not just THEIR problem, and that WE have ownership of both the causes (our part of them, anyway), and the solutions. Can we (you and I) achieve a solution on our own? NO! We depend on our partner's cooperation for that. Will they be willing to cooperate if we blame them and tell them it's all their fault? I'll leave you to answer that for yourselves.
Quote: How are you ever going to build a GREAT MARRIAGE without equality of desire?
If "equality of desire" is the exception rather than the norm, then maybe, just maybe a GREAT MARRIAGE doesn't require equality of desire. Maybe it just requires equality of committment to one another, and equality of empathy.
All I'm saying is... go back and read SSM chapters 5-7 AGAIN.
Dave, I hope what I'm writing here doesn't sound sanctimonious. It isn't meant that way, truly. I'm saying it as much to myself as to you, because you all know how I've been wallowing and flip-flopping this past couple of weeks. I'm perfectly aware that I may once again be falling into the trap of false hubris, I might be totally mistaken, I might be once again crying in my beer by next Monday. I don't know. All I know is that when I see a cry for help, my instinct is to try to help. I hope I have done so.
