Jim0987 #6 - starting a bit of a rebuild

[jim0987]

Vanilla, I think i've borrowed your loop.....

just a bit of an update really

W has been really happy the last 24hrs or so. friendly and chatty, started telling me stuff about her day at work, sharing information and then seem surprised by the fact i didnt know about an anecdote from her night out on tuesday.

we had a nice chat this morning as my W noticed the wine in the fridge and asked about it. Drinking wine is a new thing for me as i never really liked it but felt that sometimes i missed out on the social aspect (in a 1:1 situation)

I would love to think its because she is softening to me but i suspect something that starsky said on Rzr's thread is probably more likely (GOOD = BAD). Something else is making her happier and this is just carrying accross to her interactions in general.

Having said that when she was talking about work i think i did a good job of validating her feelings (her boss was being unfair) I also said some genuine complimentary things about her ability at work

this morning we talked about a bunch of stuff including christmas presents for the kids (the emphasis was very much on our seperate christmasses and we both acted fine with that), my plans for the weekend. I was fully open about the stuff involving the kids and mysterious about the stuff that doesnt.

On reflection i made a few comments/questions within the conversation that i shouldnt have done including
- Referencing something she told me previously which we both know is a lie but i acted as if it were true
- a question about tuesday night which highlighted the holes in what she told me
- a comment that eluded to me missing doing stuff as a family
- a comment about how she must be tired because she has been out a lot later than she usual
- a comment about how i would love to start our D3 on horse riding lessons but its not something we will be able to afford anymore

So a lot of bits in there which although i was happy and friendly throughout she could have taken badly and shows that i'm not doing great on cutting this kind of stuff out no matter how its delivered.

i should say this is analysis to recognise and try and change rather than beat myself up (at least thats how it feels)

I suppose the big downside is that a positive interaction with my W has put me in a much better mood which shows im nowhere near detached enough - as if further proof was needed.

GAL scorecard update
Wednesday - Played with kids all day (2pts)
Thursday - Work (1pt), Phoned mum (0pts*), Played squash with good friend (3pts)

GAL plans for weekend
Friday - Work (1pt)
Saturday - Taking kids to big family do (3pts)
Sunday - Swimming with kids (2pts), Cooking sunday roast with D3 (1pt), Decorating christmas cake with Kids (3pts)



* phoned my mum which was good, conversation did not go well so 0pts

[Ggrass]

I think some of us have that loop.

I used to loose stuff all the time because h used to fluster and push people faster than they were ready to move. So he would jump and say you only, have x time barely enough time in which to complete what you needed. He would keep you off balance, in all sorts of areas.

I also think he was moving stuff as both salmost17 and myself lost stuff and had things moved about. Things just used to appear after being lost.

[jim0987]

So wife's good mood continued this evening but at the same time no niceness toward me (no goodnight, keeping away from me, getting up to close her door when I cane upstairs to go in my room). All indications that her good mood is enduced by something else. I suspect whoever she was with on Tuesday and the changed destination for her night out tomorrow.

3 months in and she seems more distant than ever. And I'm no less heartbroken by it even if im more in control of my mood around her.

Its disappointing that a life with me is so horrendous a prospect.

[Mozza]

Its disappointing that a life with me is so horrendous a prospect.

It seems to be your own point of view too. ;-) Change it first, show her that you'll be fine because you'll be with you. Perhaps she'll see what you're so interested in and she's missing out. Also, stop hoping that she'll change her mind this week. She'll leave before that and it will take months. Anticipate that the present will be the same and set your sights on the future.

[Vanilla]

Jim

Sadly W is in a full tailspin but it isn't going to help you to keep on looking for changes in her so soon. This is going to take a long long time to unfold.

You have a lot of space and time for you and your wonderful children. Time to apply Sandi guidelines, time to GAL, time to PMA. Time to recover, grow and get stronger.

I am still concerned that you say too much, appease. I really believe that you are not detached yet, you have not let go of the rope. Jim drop the rope examine detachment. It's a basic for DB survival and my dear friend you are still not dropping the rope!

Take the advice, stop engaging with W whilst she is in this phase. Be strong, it's hard but it will really help you. It's no good guessing or mind reading. Stop.

Jim, we want to see you achieve your goals.
Peace
Vanilla

[jim0987]

So my suspicions about Tuesday were right - its back on with OM1 - he was just nervous about it being an affair. They have a nice day out in london planned today and W doesn't know if she will be back tonight.

I thought I was doing better about these other men as its her choices but im really not. I can't compete with affair land and its horrible (as so many on this board know). I have been well and truly replaced.

She is still lying about it and denying it so it does me no good to confront and there is no boundary I can assert.

Feeling very crappy about my life and the fact that I got myself here.

[Ggrass]

Hands jim a tshirt. They seem in plentiful supply.

It's tough, I'm sure someone will be chiming in if they think you can set any boundary, or do things differently.

[Vanilla]

Jim
How do you know OM1 thoughts?

This is very wayward Jim on behalf of W. Horrible but I am afraid there is more to come. OM is a symptom not a cause Jim.

Detach, distain, don't compete with any OM. Let go the rope. There will be some riding on this.

Go GAL.
As gg says it may be time for new boundaries.
I find I am shedding a tear.
Vanilla

[jim0987]

So I find myself increasingly thinking I should file for D. I'm not a plan B I'm better than that and I don't like the idea of hanging around while she explores different relationships. Especially as she has been hung up on OM1 for so long.

And forgive the self pity but given the way we can't enjoy life like that (because of kids) and how crappy a husband I've been I really don't see her ever changing her mind about us, especially with what she would have to face in herself.

The main advantage to me filing is that it means the legal paperwork will always say that she ended the marriage by adultery, the alternatives are to contest divorce (very expensive and pointless) or to agree that she had to leave because of my unreasonable behaviour (she's put everything in place for this)

I know the books say do nothing but that I think leaves me exposed.

Your thoughts and advice are much appreciated

[Ggrass]

Best you seek legal advice.

You do what works best in the long run for jim as your worth it.