[BrightFuture]

You are really doing much better than you seem to give yourself credit for, and you are very emotionally honest.

Thank you. You would not say that I am emotionally honest 3 years ago. I was pretty much holding most of my emotions to myself, except the negative once. I guess I did make a lot of progress at least in this. My friends at the vacation home say that I’ve change a lot. It should bring me the joy. At the same time I feel like everything inside me is turning into stone. And on the outside I feel trapped, like I’m slowly sucked in into a very thick clay. I raise my hangs here and there and even try to lift my body out of it, but with less and less hope that I will ever get out.

I’m doing great at work. I’m functional and pretty much not thinking about H or my sitch during the day. But on my way home I feel the anxiety. When I come home I feel lonely. Everybody has their own lives. My GF’s have been unresponsive to my attempts to communicate. My sister is busy with her family. I have new friends at work, but sometimes it is just too much for me, all the activities they want to do. I feel like I don’t have energy for that. I force myself, but it doesn’t always work.

I think I’m entering into another phase of blues. Don’t want to call it depression. I just don’t know what I am doing wrong. Why I cannot just let it all go? Why do I keep getting hooked? I thought I was doing better before H sent me this e-mail with the dog video. Why does he keep doing this? He disappears, makes sure that he distances himself from me, and then when I start to detach more, he does something like this. Why include me on this e-mail and not on others I’m sure he sends regularly to our friends. This almost feels like psychological abuse. I know, I’m doing it to myself. I need to change my perception and my reaction to this. And STOP having my hopes up every time he sends me things.

I know, feeling sorry for myself again…

No need for 2x4, I will do it myself.