Wonka said: "At what point does one say, "it ain't working for me any more. I have too much self-worth to fritter away any more time.' ?"
Wonka, I guess that's when it's clear that my frittering days are over. I like fritters--probably more than the average person--but considering my advanced age and limited resources, I don't have the luxury of waiting around forever. It just can't happen.
"I sense that it is where GoatGal is at the present moment. What I am seeing happen more and more is that GoatGal has truly taken off her rose-colored glasses and seeing things much more clearer that will inform her decisions going forward."
Ahhhhh.... very inscrutable, Grasshopper! Per kml, my proverbial "Rose Colored Glasses" are off. I held onto them as long as I could. But there came a point--through therapy, my own reading, the support here--where I took a long, hard look at the truth of my marriage. And it wasn't pretty. Not by a long shot.
So I'm not endowing H with a host of unflattering descriptions because I'm looking for reasons why his divorcing me will be all "for the best" down the road. It's just REALITY. I can see it now, and I'm not liking what I'm seeing.
I can see how my Asperger's allowed him to manipulate me. I try not to think of it as a disability because I feel more "abled" than the average person. But it DOES make it harder for me to read intent--and to tell when someone is lying/manipulating me. I trusted my H, and didn't think I had to be on guard with him.
I was WRONG. Believe me, I am kicking myself for being the wife who never snooped, who took him at his word, who trusted him, and who gave him lots of "space"! ---------------------------------------------------------------
Jack Three Beans said: "And I have problems seeing/reading about people who I think should move on. But that's not my place to do that to someone, its not my job to remove that person's hope. For me? My hope was near gone when my wife came around. I outlasted it barely...and actually I wanted her to fail at the time cause I had plans that didn't involve her."
Jack--this is very inspiring to me. You "wanted her to fail because you had plans that didn't involve her"... I understand that too well. You start to make your plans with the idea that your life together is OVER.
You get yourself jazzed up about your single future, all the positives, the things you will no longer have to take into consideration. (Granted, this is to offset the betrayal and pain and "reality" that your partner no longer wants you. It's completely understandable.)
That is sort of where I am now. Trying to make Lemonade from the lemons that H has given me. I can't count on him; I can only count on myself. So I am trying very hard to envision a life which does not include him. Is that wrong? It feels necessary. I know I should be the stanchion, lighthouse, keep the road home smoothly paved, be strong, be consistent...I have been doing this. But I can't help but wonder: What about ME? I am doing and giving and STFUing and CTHDing and DBing... NO ONE is meeting MY needs. No one is giving affection to me.
No one has said they loved me or given me tender affection in YEARS. No sex, no kisses, no holding at night, no cuddling on the couch. For YEARS. And I WAS MARRIED!!!! So--Boo-Hoo for me-- again.
(Okay, I'm finished.)
"If/when an LBS comes to that decision on their own after giving it their all? I'll cheer them on. But far be it from me to tell them when that happens."
Very wise. No one can know when it's "time". My therapist of many years STARTED OFF OUR SESSION AFTER THE OW DISCOVERY by saying; "So--WHY EXACTLY do you want to try and cobble this marriage together?"
I finally had to stop seeing her, because I felt I had to sell her on the idea that I wanted to give my H a chance to turn this around. That my R with him had value. That after 20+ years where I felt loved and valued he hadn't just turned into a monster. That I KNEW something was WRONG.
She finally came around to my way of thinking--grudgingly. I see her on occasion, but mostly just deal with my shrink for meds, etc.
"Do you believe your husband is having an MLC? That's really important because that answer shapes and affects everything else."
Yes. I do believe he is in MLC. But I don't think that's all that's plaguing him. He has many issues which he kept successfully buried during our time together; I think MLC just made it so he could no longer compensate and he went off the deep end. (And he can't swim. Really. Can't swim.)
"The truth you want to tell him, only works if he is capable of listening and considering it. To that end it won't work until he is at a stage of MLC where he is realizing that the problems in his life have the common denominator of "him"."
"I want you to know that we are going to support you as long as you're trying to be a better person, because that better person is going to have a better relationship next time."
That's why I come here. I am alone mostly 24/7 and this board has been a lifesaver for me. It's nice to hear you say that you will continue to support my efforts to deal with whatever my sitch throws at me. I know you have been around for a long time; I can't profess to know what you have learned--only that I'm TRYING. I'm trying to hold it together the best that I can.
Yes, Jack. That is really what this is all about. I AM trying to be better. With my "challenges", this is what my life has been all about. (*sniff, tear, sniff*) My whole life has been a journey to connect with others; to stop being the outcast, to share the love and compassion I feel so intensely deep down, but struggled with being able to show that to the people I cared about. I like to think I had this ability well under my belt when I met H; but---in my soul-searching I wonder if this is true.
I miss things still---subtle cues, little things that other "normal" people just pick up on naturally. That's not me. It's all measured, studied, practiced. I learned for myself what came with the program for the average person. That's not to say I don't feel things intensely, feel deeply, desire to love and be loved. I do. And I probably work harder at friendships and romantic relationships than so-called "normal" folks because it MEANS THAT MUCH TO ME. And because I know that it is a weakness of mine-- just "getting" people on a visceral level.
Believe me--I beat myself up about this on a daily basis. "If only I had been "normal" I woulda/coulda/shoulda".... but then I stop.
My "disability" comes with a caveat. And that is I have a very clear sense of right and wrong. Good and bad. So I have tried very hard to be "A GOOD WIFE" insofar as I understand it.
(Insert list here of ideal wifely qualities and I will be happy to tell you how I aspired to embody each one. )
Anyhow. I'm just doing the best I can with what I have to work with--much like H is at this time.
I'm not sure that I'm on solid ground while he is going through his crisis; I'm finding my own way as he is finding his.
This is hard--killer hard--and a test of all the skills I've learned throughout my life.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, and I don't want anyone to believe my blustery display of bravado---because the truth lies somewhere in the middle.
And even I am not sure of how I really feel at any given moment, and what I really want for the future. All I can say is that I am doing pretty well with not being in the driver's seat for such a significant portion of my life.
I am making the best of a bad situation. I'm learning, watching, improving, hoping, and waiting---for some sign that the next phase needs to begin, and that the ball is in my court to make that happen.
Your Pal,
The Goat Gal
PS: Jim, your post deserves an entire post devoted to it; one needs time to process these things! I will respond to your wonderful post when I have time to respond in a way which does it justice.
But let me say, if you're reading this, we could have a heck of a Christmas toast, sharing horror stories, if I were of a Revolutionary mind.
)
