I want to say how much I appreciate your feedback.
Bright: Yes, it sounds as though we are both in similar boats, but in the same scary river! I know this is going to get better for both of us, one way or another. It's easier to detach when we really see them, warts and all. I know I want to make sure my perceptions are clear, and not based on what a WAW would do; focus on only the negative in order to facilitate detachment.
My H has positive qualities; it's just that now that I'm REALLY seeing and thinking about our life together, I can see where there were some red flags and things I continually let slide, for the sake of our M. There are some dynamics and things that he did regularly that really hurt me... and I let it go. I'm not sure that was really healthy on my part. I am working through all that now in IC.
UR: I understand what you're saying. My goal would be to keep my heart open for him more... perhaps one day I will be able to do this. It is a fine line to walk, between being vulnerable to more hurt from him and being open to him as my H. Right now it's all I can do to avoid the pain of my sitch.
I can forgive him, I feel I have. He is flawed, he screwed up, he's in crisis. I do have compassion for him. I just wonder how long I can maintain this if it turns out it's at the expense of myself. So far, it hasn't been. I haven't allowed that to happen. And, as others have pointed out, my GUBU is pretty tame compared to some.
On the other hand, I think his issues run very deep, and avoiding conflict is ingrained in him, so he doesn't like emotional drama. That's equally good and bad. He avoids feeling anything that makes him uncomfortable, and there are many things that do.
I guess it's semantics. I have "forgiven" but I have not forgotten. And "forgiving" doesn't mean what he's done/doing doesn't matter, that it doesn't need to be addressed and "treated" as the traumatic experience it was for me, and-- I'm sure for him as well.
What I poorly expressed is that IF I am on my own after a D, then I believe I will be at peace with not having the answers I'd like, and not having him help me work through this. I strongly feel I will be able to let the lion's share of the negativity go if we are D, (with time and therapy, I'm not that naive), and will be able to leave him to his own work, and to focus on my own, as we begin new, separate, lives. ------------------------------------------------------------- In short, if we divorce, I will be able to accept what has happened without any help from him. I didn't believe that a few months ago. It's real progress for an analytical type like me.
But, if we are to remain together, there is no way I could go on without some answers, some prevention, some serious work as a couple. I guess what I'm saying is that I wonder if H believes that my statement that "I have forgiven him" means "We can let bygones be bygones."
That will only happen if we D. If we R, then all the issues which brought us to this point will have to be identified and worked though, separately and together. If he's like most men, that's something he'd probably prefer to avoid if at all possible. And being himself, it means he'd rather chew off his own foot than confront the internal issues he's been trying to avoid his entire life. Does that make my position more clear? I think sometimes writing it out helps to clarify it in my mind.
Gwen: You sound very wise. I would love to be able to love unconditionally and keep my heart open to H in his struggles. I am better at this some days than others. To feel the love I've always felt for him and then allow myself to believe that is gone forever, and then to accept that this person I loved has done what he has done to me... it's easier for me at this point to harden my heart to him somewhat.
I think how you put it: allowing yourself to accept "the whole enchilada of life", is very apt. I think while in self-preservation mode, it's difficult to feel ALL OF IT. It hurts too much. I do hope that one day, I'll get there. To be able to be happy for the good times, and accept that it's over with no hurt or anger left.
I do love him unconditionally. I always have. I still love him today. But that doesn't mean I want to remain married to him, or that it would be healthy for me for me to do so.
I guess that's where I'm sticking now. That there were dynamics in our M prior to his MLC meltdown that were very unhealthy for me. I believe (and my therapists concur) that he has certain issues that he withheld from me, or manipulated me into a position where he could control me to some degree. And I was happily clueless.
Those things would have to change, because now I know what was going on.
But yes. I still love the man. Definitely not "in love" though. (Honestly? I think all that is just chemical attraction and never lasts anyway. Unless you work really hard at it, and most couples just don't. I'd like to be half of one couple who does, though!) Anyhow---I just don't know if it would be wise to have him in my life down the road as anything but a "friendly neighbor".
Wonka, Jack-Three-Beans---I have read your posts and want to respond to them when I've had more time to digest.
But just off the top of my head: * I believe he is in MLC and looking back, I think this is his second round, the first having occurred before we were married and he was 39. I'd pushed a lot of that out of my mind. But he crashed and burned, got into therapy for the first time ever, things were great between us, and we married. I think now that he never really dealt with his chit, and therefore it reared its ugly head again later in life, when it had grown in size from all those years of festering and denying... It was bound to happen.
* I am definitely still DBing and would like remained married to H. But as they say, the "old marriage is dead". The new one would have to be better than ever, and free from the harmful dynamics which, in hindsight, I can see plagued our old one.
* I am working on myself--big time. It's all I can do, and I am taking advantage of this time I've been given. I want to be a better person, and I want to identify and work on whatever issues I bring to the table. I am not afraid of examining myself even more intensely than I do my H.
* I understand that in MLC it's a waiting game, that he is not himself, and I am prepared to wait---until a point. I don't know when that turning point will be, but I suspect it will be close to the time when he can finalize a D with or without my consent. That will be in Feb 2016. I'm not trying to put a timeline on things, it's just logistical. If he can finalize the divorce, it means I will be forced to move from my home, (can't possibly afford it) and will need to make major life changes which will take me away from here, and from him. Once that happens, I am certain I will be done.
On the other hand, if he doesn't push the D through at that time, it could go on longer if he is moving towards making some personal progress and looking at R. I am open to anything. And perhaps by then I will have been able to master the fine art of loving fully, unconditionally, and yet not being hurt by the actions of my beloved.
(Wow. Did I just write that ^^^ ? )
And jim---well, I don't know about everybody else, but I LOVED what you wrote. It was like a "Vulcan Mind-Meld"...:) Are you sure you're not my "Brother From Another Mother"???
Anyhow, there was so much there it deserves a considered response. Just wanted you to know I read it and was floored. Really.
But--more later. Sheesh! "Short Post" = "Diarrhea of the Mouth". Me of the flying fingers that barely keep up with my flying mind. It's a Monster Mash up in my noodle...
--(G)GGG PS: I'm guessing Christmas is going to be really busy around here. It was already getting to me in the stores yesterday. "Wishing My Husband A Merry Christmas" cards, and that's just the beginning. The commercials, the music... ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!
