My waking nightmare

[Lorelai]

Another thought about what might be affecting my mood today. I had a dream last night that H was here, hanging around the house and we were in the kitchen. I was standing at the counter doing something and he came over and touched my shoulder, then a little while later he came over and rubbed my shoulders. I was on Cloud 9 in the dream, so comfortable, so relaxed. Then I woke up.

What makes me so sad is that last year after I had my daughter, H dropped a bomb before his most official recent bomb that he wasn't happy and wasn't sure if we should stay married. I had a newborn at the time and was in the middle of breastfeeding and very hormonal so I was extremely sad and terrified, but apparently not terrified enough to go to my OB and tell him I needed medication. I was SO paranoid when I was pregnant and breastfeeding about taking any medication, even the ones deemed safe like zoloft. So I tried to handle everything on my own. I tried to be a better wife. Not argue as much, keep the house picked up—which was a huge feat post c-section with a new baby and toddler. Made dinner, tried to look nice, etc. I remember H coming home from work one night and just like in my dream, he walked over and rubbed my shoulders. I remember breathing a sigh of relief. The worst was over. Then he came home on mother's day with a bouquet of flowers and candy and I just remember thinking nothing like this could ever happen again. Well, just a few weeks later I was back to my old self. Grouchy, depressed, complaining, lashing out. This all turned itself around when I FINALLY allowed my OB to put me on medication. But my H was already pulling away then.

And here ladies and gentlemen, is where we are. I'm such an effing fool.