My waking nightmare

[Wonka]

Hiya, Lorelai.

When writing emails or texts, one would want to keep with STFU and KISS principles. Try to keep "I" statements out as you really don't want to interject yourself too much and it actually weakens your position. After all, the WAS thinks that the LBS is the root of their problems and misery.

Here's your first draft and let's dissect it, shall we?
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Hi H,

Just wanted to give you my thoughts on Christmas since we talked about it last week and I hadn't gotten back to you about it yet. [this portion makes you appear weak. I'd rework this to shorten it a bit and get to the point] I was thinking you can take S4 and D1.5 to your mom's Christmas Eve. I was thinking...strike that out. Again, "I"....and I would be careful of "thinking you can take..." which suggest that you DO have some control over this. Do you see this now?You're more than welcome to be here Christmas morning though. I think the kids would really like that. Also, I wanted to see how you'd feel [I would not use the word "feel"...instead use the neutral word "your thoughts"] about doing a small gift exchange between us this year from the kids, so S4 can go shopping with each of us. Thought it might be fun for him and he mentioned wanting to shop for you.

Let me know what you think!

Lorelai

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I would suggest that you ask H open-ended questions to elicit more information from him.

For example, you might ask, "Do you think it would be possible for you to do gift exchange with the kids on Christmas morning? S4 would like to give you his gift as we've already gone shopping I propose that we do the gift exchange at 8 am (insert whatever time you think is best) on Christmas morning and you can leave afterward.

The goal is to make the holidays a positive one for the kids that creates good memories for everyone.

What are your thoughts? Your input is important to me and we can get this sorted out."

I also like Calibri's opening statement and the validating part that followed.

You might want to rework the draft and come back here with the next one for some more feedback. I think you're getting closer.

[Lorelai]

Thanks Calibri. I like your new take on how to structure the email. It's very helpful because I hadn't thought of it that way and it's a totally different approach than I was planning to take.

I am a little mad right now. H was living with a friend then moved into his mom's where he has more room. She has a finished basement, a pullout couch an extra bathroom downstairs, etc. It's like his own little apartment. I feel more comfortable about him being at his mom's instead of at a friend's partly because his mom does not like us being separated so I'm hoping she can be a good influence. Unfortunately though, she's one of those people who also doesn't like to "rock the boat" so I don't think she's really telling him how she feels, just me.

On to why I'm mad. I have to get up super early with the kids, get S3 ready for school and off to the preschool bus, which I don't really mind, (except I'm not sleeping well lately). But I have early morning deadlines and need help with D1 while S3 is off at preschool. H makes up his own schedule and can basically be here anytime, but we don't have a set time for him to be here on his days and he usually shows up around the time S3 is getting off the bus, usually around 11. I'd like to be able to start working earlier, and it's difficult with a toddler, not totally undoable (please, no 2x4s from the moms with more than two little ones!) but challenging.

Being a not so great DB'r I made the mistake of calling my MIL and was seething when she said he hadn't gotten out of bed yet. I lost it and said "I wish I could sleep in until 8:30 every morning!" She said, "We'll I just got up too." I laughed and turned it into a joke and said something like "Look at you!" And she laughed too, so I think it's OK, but I did express how frustrated I was that I was doing all of these early morning routines while he sleeps in and how he doesn't call us in between visits to check on the kids. That hurts. But I need to tell HIM that. I just don't know how. He is very hard to talk to right now and communication is not one of our strong suits, especially since BD. Vets, I need some help, and probably a few 2x4s!

[Lorelai]

Thanks Wonka! Super helpful! I will work on my next draft and come back for more feedback (as soon as I get my work I get paid for done LOL! ).

Thanks again.

[Lorelai]

OK—anyone who wants to weigh in! I've redrafted the email and am hoping to send soon! This one is MUCH shorter and to the point. And again, Calibri and Wonka, I loved your input! Can you guys help with cover letters too? LOL! Seriously though, this is info I can use in a lot of my communication with people, both professionally and personally not just with H!

Hi H,

Just wanted to give you a quick heads up on Christmas. You should take S3 and D1.5 to your mom’s for Christmas Eve. The kids would love to have you here Christmas morning. We will probably start around 7:30-8. Also, what are your thoughts on doing a small gift exchange from the kids? S3 mentioned he wanted to go shopping for you. Thought it might be fun for each of us to take him shopping.

Let me know what you think. Your input is important to me as we try to make the holidays positive and create good memories for everyone.

Lorelai

[Wonka]

Lorelai,

This draft is so much better!

Hi H,

Just wanted to give you a quick heads up on Christmas plans. You should I am glad to hear that you plan to take S3 and D1.5 to your mom’s for Christmas Eve. The kids would love to have you here Christmas morning and you're more than welcome to swing by for a while. We will probably start around 7:30-8. Also, what are your thoughts on doing a small gift exchange from the kids? S3 mentioned he wanted to go shopping for you. Thought it might be fun for each of us to take him shopping. You may have some other ideas.

Let me know what you think. Your input is important to me as we try to make the holidays positive and create good memories for everyone.

Lorelai

It's best to leave out shoula, coulda, woulda....not good for they come across as demands or expectations ['you should take'...etc]. Remember that your H has this perception that you're "controlling" and you would want to move away from it (and break that darn pattern too!).

[Lorelai]

THANK YOU Wonka! Such great advice! Email is sent. Done and done.

[Lorelai]

A lot of different emotions going on right now. On the one hand I feel completely deflated, exhausted and just not able to move forward. Not a good feeling when you have small kids to take care of and you're trying to reboot your career while also taking care of a household pretty much entirely on your own, except financially for now.

I am proud of myself because when my negative emotions started coming over me I was in the middle of making lunch for the kids and D1.5 was absolutely screaming and moaning. I had to talk myself down, take some deep breaths and just grit my teeth through it. Normally I would call my sister crying and telling her "I can't do this! I can' be alone like this! I can't get divorced!" then she wold have to talk me down. So I'm giving myself credit for self-soothing and staying upbeat for the kids even though I was hurting on the inside.
I'm taking the kids to see Santa tonight and we're all looking forward to it, so I'm just trying to stay focused on the positives. Going to try to take a shower and put on makeup for tonight while D1.5 naps and S3 plays in his room pretending his toys are Santa's sleigh. He's so excited for Christmas!

[Lorelai]

Another thought about what might be affecting my mood today. I had a dream last night that H was here, hanging around the house and we were in the kitchen. I was standing at the counter doing something and he came over and touched my shoulder, then a little while later he came over and rubbed my shoulders. I was on Cloud 9 in the dream, so comfortable, so relaxed. Then I woke up.

What makes me so sad is that last year after I had my daughter, H dropped a bomb before his most official recent bomb that he wasn't happy and wasn't sure if we should stay married. I had a newborn at the time and was in the middle of breastfeeding and very hormonal so I was extremely sad and terrified, but apparently not terrified enough to go to my OB and tell him I needed medication. I was SO paranoid when I was pregnant and breastfeeding about taking any medication, even the ones deemed safe like zoloft. So I tried to handle everything on my own. I tried to be a better wife. Not argue as much, keep the house picked up—which was a huge feat post c-section with a new baby and toddler. Made dinner, tried to look nice, etc. I remember H coming home from work one night and just like in my dream, he walked over and rubbed my shoulders. I remember breathing a sigh of relief. The worst was over. Then he came home on mother's day with a bouquet of flowers and candy and I just remember thinking nothing like this could ever happen again. Well, just a few weeks later I was back to my old self. Grouchy, depressed, complaining, lashing out. This all turned itself around when I FINALLY allowed my OB to put me on medication. But my H was already pulling away then.

And here ladies and gentlemen, is where we are. I'm such an effing fool.

[Calibri]

Lorelai,

You aren't a fool. You were doing what you felt was best for you at the time. But, you went and got help and that's awesome. That should be applauded.

Hindsight is 20/20. There's been alot of times over the past 3 months where I would think back over my relationship with H, knowing now his complaints. And I CRINGE at things, because I'm looking at it with a different perspective. And I think the same thing. I'm a fool. It's been everything I could somedays not call up H when I have these revelations and apologize, multiple times.

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Have you set goals for yourself, some 180s? I wonder if your H will have a harder time seeing changes as permanent, as you've admitted that you made some changes, trying to handle it on your own, and then you were back to "yourself." Just know what these changes need to be for you, and it will probably take your H some time to accept that they will be permanent.

[Lorelai]

Thank you Calibri. I am glad that I got help. I wish my H could see I was going through a very difficult time back then (I know he was too) and that without medication and the right information, I wasn't able to be the person he needed to be and the person I needed to be for myself. My doctor said he sees a huge difference in me from when he first met me during my second pregnancy and now. He can physically see that I'm emotionally better (well not right now) than I was... I hope that over time H will see these changes as permanent, and in the meantime, I know that any changes I continue to make will be better for me and my children, regardless of whether H comes back.

As for goals, I've been spending a lot more time with my friends. I have friends I've known since college and even grade school and we all have kids around the same age. I'm hosting brunch at my house this Sunday. It's a tradition H and I started a couple of years ago and has gone by the wayside, so I thought I'd bring it back. I'm also drinking a ton more water and trying to lose weight. I used to be teeny-tiny and I'm only five feet tall, so when I gain even a little weight, I feel like it shows, plus I just want to be back in shape and where I was pre-kids. Drinking water, eating a healthy diet and exercising regularly were a big part of my routine before I started dating H and I'd like to get back there. It sounds funny, but I bought a four pack of reusable bottles to keep in the fridge so I can constantly keep them full and keep drinking water throughout the day and it's easy and accessible without buying bottled, so I'm being eco-friendly too, something else that's always been important to me.
I must sound like such a dork!