Life 2.0 Part 2

[NH115]

In the mind of a WAW who has been in an A, it seems too hard/depressing and requires too much effort for her to step back into the old M. After all, she wanted to escape it all. "Starting over" with a new person and new R is easier in her opinion. That idea fit nicely into her fantasy dreams. This is a very common feelings for a WAW. It truly depresses her to think about facing the same old problems she wanted to leave. She may even experience feelings of everything closing in on her. That is why you can't smother her or expect her to bounce back as the W you want right away.

She doesn't see your M as a new R. I mean, how does she find the energy to sustain how discouraged she must be right now? It is extremely difficult for her to see any light at the end of this dark tunnel. That's why there needs to be a plan to help guide you both as you enter into this difficult stage. Do not put it off.

She will need support and encouragement (from the right sources), and she still needs you to be strong (always). Be loving and forgiving, but do not put up with any of her BS. You will need to continue being firm in your conditions to reconcile the M, and hold firm boundaries.

I hope you will follow Starsky's scripts/advice closely b/c he is very skilled/talented in how to word these touchy issues the best way.

Last entry from previous thread

Thanks. I've been reading Starsky's advice very closely. And yours has been most helpful as well.


You describe my W's feelings very accurately. My ability in the past to set boundaries with my parents is a legitimate issue. It's not that she and I disagree about my toxic parents. We agree pretty much 100%, except that she would rather I cut them out of our lives entirely. I obviously won't do that, but I do and have taken steps to set firm boundaries and minimize their presence in our lives. She ignores two points right now (not unexpected); that while there are times I have not set good boundaries with my parents, there are times that I have, and that they have been on their best behavior for the past two years. They haven't even criticized her privately to me. They know better.

I have taken concrete steps to minimize their involvement in our Christmas this year; instead of them coming up to our house for a couple of days like normal, we're meeting at a neutral location (grandmother's house) for about half a day.

What I read from her rhetoric is that it's not enough that I set boundaries with them, but I need to prevent them from ever testing those boundaries to begin with, preferably by her not being in their presence at all. As if I can possibly predict and control another human's behavior.

In her resentment of them, she sees me as part of them, and that inevitably I will behave like them. My answer to that while I'm connected to them by blood, I'm my own person, with my own worldview, goals, dreams, and interests. I'm not destined to become my parents any more than she's going to become her mother, who is wonderful but is not much like my W.

She's afraid that we will slip back into our old marriage, and she doesn't yet trust that I want a brand new marriage as well...with her. She doesn't see that starting over with someone new might allow her to drop this baggage, but she'll just end up picking up a whole new set instead. Fantasy talking again.

I'm looking forward to getting some more guidance from Chuck on Monday as to how to handle her.