Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2

[SemperFi00]

Providing additional commentary in response to a couple of your recent posts.

No, my basis for that comment was from reading your sitch all along. It seems that you were very satisfied in your life before the BD and it baffles you that W wasn't. That's a red flag right there that you were so disconnected from each other that you couldn't see her unhappiness and she couldn't share it with you.

Thanks for clarification labug. Couple of other red flags that this comment stirs up – some going all the way back to when we were first dating and engaged:

W statement – “You are the first person I have ever been involved with that I don’t have to take care of….”
- helped raise step brother once her mom and step dad got together,
- best friend in high school got pregnant and the F left – she & friend raised the child;
- after high school she lived with a guy with kids, eventually he moved and she dropped out of college to go with him to take care of him and the kids
W statement – “You are the first person I have ever dated who hasn’t been a loser”
- For a few months her sister was almost always with us to ensure that I didn’t turn out to be another “bad person”
W statement – “I didn’t like you when I first met you. Too arrogant and just out of Marine Corps”
W statement recently – “I will always be thankful to you for giving me my boys”
According to W, F was alcoholic with a temper. At best was emotionally distant, may have been abusive but not sure.

Holy crap~! – combined with the recent observations from my T can’t help but ask the question did she just want someone to take care of her and help her raise a family???? And now she is done?

Not looking for very promising when all written out…………

Tough question: what have you changed about you that will be attractive to the kind of woman you might may be interested in?

- Less critical of others, including inwardly which I have to assume at some point came thru in outward actions
- More patience with kids in general (more engaged with S8, allowing S16 & S18 to be more responsible for their own actions / consequences and develop their potential)
- Helping out more around the house w/o being asked and trying not to over compensate
- Being more timely for appointments/events
- Exercising on a more regular basis
- Being more responsible for myself (errands, meals, laundry, etc…..)
- Better work/life balance (trying to leave work between 5 & 530 most days versus staying until I feel like I am done working – the work will still be there tomorrow)
- Stop being so tight w/$$$$ and worried about college & retirement – already have a fairly sizable nest egg and well paying job – ahead of the game
- Attending Mass more regularly – had been sporadic for a couple of years once S14 started playing football and games were on Sunday morning
- Daily devotional readings at beginning of each morning

Refresh my memory, have you had a talk with her about any of this? Would you?

Yes, have had conversations on a couple of occasions. W either can’t or won’t (not completely sure which) talk or discuss beyond a superficial level. Feels like there is no way that I could understand. 2-3 comments have been somewhat consistent::
- I lost myself in the M and other relationships by trying to always present a perfect image and do for others. Not your fault and I certainly should have told you but wasn’t even sure what was going on myself
- I am not happy being married to you any longer
- I no longer want you to touch me
- I don’t have “M feelings” for you any longer
Trying to get anywhere beyond the comments above generally just results in her shutting down and becoming angry and threatening D.

And if so what would you say?

Something like below is what I would like to say to W now – I am holding off because I don’t think she is currently in receptive spot. Although on the other hand, I am not sure at this point what I have to lose

"W, you are right I don’t understand completely. I can see how unhappy you currently are and that makes me sad. I understand that you have to continue on your own journey and I do not want to get in the way of that. I wish that there were other alternatives that could be considered that would not be be quite so destructive.

I would like to have an engaged R with a “life” partner and ideally I would like that to be with you if possible."

Lots of typing but good information hopefully……. Thoughts, comments 2x4s welcome………