Hmmm. What kinds of things is he breaking? Why is that ok with you?
I guess Im confused as to why he is walking around breaking things.
And again, you have a few choices. You can put the stuff away when he comes if it isnt Christmas stuff. You can speak to him about it or you can just go off and do your thing because apparently they are going to get broken anyway.
You do not have to sit there and allow him to come into your home and break stsuff and have no accountability. Thats just craziness.
He is a bull in a china shop with emotions, energy. He's a bit of a big lug and is rather clumsy sometimes but I don't mean that he's coming around breaking things physically.
But I am going to pose the same question to you. Why are you ok with that?
He left. He wanted out. You want to show him that you've heard him. So, he can come in to see daughter IF that is your choice. You dont have to allow that if you arent comfortable.
But again, if it is your choice, then, why arent you going out when he is there? Why arent you making yourself scarce? No need to be around to get pulled into the emotional and bad energy stuff.
You have control here, S. You get to decide how you do this. You get to decide who you want to be and how you want to act. And you get to decide what you will or wont allow regarding your feelingsl.
You need to get to a place where you are acting out of strength and not fear.
He needs to understand that things are different now that he has made the choices he has made and it isnt your problem if he doesnt get it.
You need to get to a place where you are acting out of strength and not fear.
Yes. I seem to be afraid of everything but there are significant reasons why. There is a very fine line between putting one's foot down and being a b!tch. Sometimes the difference is simply someone's (H's) mood of interpretation. I can't control how he interprets my behavior, I know that but if I'm trying to show 180s, he's not going to see them without a change of his own perspective. That's his choice.
I'm afraid. Yes. So very afraid. I don't want to be but I am. I really am.
Quote:
He needs to understand that things are different now that he has made the choices he has made and it isnt your problem if he doesnt get it.
He's. But he doesn't understand. Nothing is different because of his choice except he lives in an apartment and he's more involved in D's life.
I have put down the boundary that he not come into the house when I'm not here.
Otherwise, everything is the same. Exactly the same.
S, I am not in any way telling you to be a b*tch..nor an I necessarily telling you to put your foot down.
Trust me when I tell you that I get the fear. Took me a long time to conquer mine. I lettered in fear controlling my life.
What I am saying is that you really need to try to feel as if you have a right to feel as you do. That being that he gets everything the same even though he wants out.
It is a mindset and an attitude that I am really speaking of. It is knowing that this is your life and he doesnt get to determine how you live it.
He needs to see that you've heard him, S. You need to feel that you will be ok and really believe it.
When my xh would come over, I would say hello and go out if I could. If I couldnt, I would be sure to make myself scarce catching up on stuff I needed to. I was pleasant, cordial.
But he started to see that I was moving forward because I was. was moving forward with my journey. I was becoming stronger and it showed.
I showed him strength and I also joked around. I treated him as if he was a good neighbor. Not to punish him, but for me. If I didnt I would get caught up in his nonsense of trying to bait me or get a reaction.
There were times when he wanted to come over and it wasnt a good time for me and I told him that. There were times when he came over and I was dressed up...and off I would go with a hair flip. LOL!
Your 180's are for you. If he doesnt see them, thats his problem. If they are true and real...he will eventually. But thats not in your control. It doesnt mean you shouldnt still live them.
He feels your fear. He sees you're uncomfortable and he is playing on it.
Face the fears, S. Break them down one by one. Once fear is gone, the rest comes more easily.
The right to feel as I do. I need to let that sink in bug time. I often feel like I do t gave that right. That I'm wrong for feeling whatever I'm feeling.
Even arguments with H turned into him telling me I shouldn't feel a certain way. When I pushed the issue and said, "but I just do" it was something I was supposed to fix. I was supposed to change how I felt to suit him.
Now I question my right to feel what I feel for 100 different reasons. Am I hormonal? Am I being irrational? Am I being unfair?
Here's how I feel right now:
I feel hopeful. Not about our marriage but about me. I'm being ME and not letting others' thoughts and opinions about anything change me. I feel moderately strong. I'm definitely still in my own head but I'm going to meditate and back off from that a bit.
I feel afraid of the unknown things to come but I'm not afraid to handle them as they come.
Huh, it's so weird. I often look for external validation for my feelings. I bounce situations off people and if they say they'd feel similarly then I feel justified in my feelings. Before that I just feel full of angst. Sharing and validation makes me feel "normal" but the fact is, my feelings are valid just simply because I feel them. Doesn't mean anyone needs to change but I can validate and justify my own feelings.
Right? Wow.
And I am going to start going out or going up to my room when H comes over. A hot shower or reading in my room should suffice. I don't need to be in the thick of things and man, things get thick when he's around. By thick I mean chaotic not emotionally heavy.
I need to take back that power that I feel I just hand over when he comes over and there's chaos. There's only three of us... When comes over, you'd think there were 10 people in the room. There are 4 different conversations going on, the dog is going insane, D wants attention, he's opening mail and leaving the trash on three different counters, pours himself a drink and leaves the carton out, he can't remember where he put down his phone 10 seconds ago because he wants to show me this email he got.... IT'S DRAINING and absolutely [censored] the life out of me.
I feel more grounded today. I don't know what's different today than from yesterday but I am glad. I need to feel strong as we approach the holidays.
Another bathroom mirror worthy line: the fact is, my feelings are valid just simply because I feel them. Doesn't mean anyone needs to change but I can validate and justify my own feelings.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
D was talking to H tonight, their nightly goodnight call... I guess he didn't know it was on speaker because he said, "so, mom said she wanted a bike so she could ride next to you. What do you think we get her one from you and me?"
Wasn't expecting that.
A holiday gift?
Huh.
Things have been very good with H and I. Comfortable and cordial. I'm good at being detached in m heart but I'm not sure I come off as detached.
We've been having lots of problems with D lately. Behavioral stuff. We have a referral to be seen at Children's Hospital for D to be assessed. The paperwork to just be seen is insane. 56 pages of questions. It's overwhelming. They want video of her from around her first birthday and anything depicting behavioral difficulties now. H and I have to communicate without trouble regarding D and I'm glad we're doing a great job of it.
I really hope we can get answers about wth is going on with D. It has been like this since birth with her and I am so ready for some answers. Relief. Calm.
I hope all is well in DB land for everyone. The holidays make it very hard, huh?
