Busting this Divorce - Moving Out

[HPoirot]

Had my first DB coach talk with Chuck. A good man... very knowledgeable.

Most of the call was me telling our sad sitch story.

He liked a lot of what I've done. All the amazing advice here is working for me he thinks around me being a better man only a fool would leave, establishing firm boundaries, increasing my W respect for me, and most importantly increasing my self respect and inner strength.

He was concerned about W taking my actions and attitudes as punishments b/c of my shows of anger. He suggested I apologize for times I treated her harshly. To say that I value her and always want to have a good relationship as the mother of my son. That sounds good. Maybe I give her a speech like that right before me and s11 leave. Or maybe better an email after we leave. I may have trouble with a speech. And how to do this and show I'm moving on?

He also talked about giving her chances to see better me. To start being nice to her again... someone she would want to be around. That I suppose will have to come as it comes with contact over S11. I'll could also start responding positively to her appropriate contacts like when she says something heartfelt. This was suggested before... once we move and things cool down, take chances to warm to her if or when possible.

Finally... he suggested I consider giving her the family Christmas. That, as she remembers so many specific things I've done wrong over the years, she will never forget my "ruining" her Christmas. That, while it is logical for me not to have Christmas with her, she is acting purely on emotion. It could begin healing if I did show up for her. He even suggested I consider doing the couples weekend with her in January to at least show support for good co-parenting. (W brought this up again even after I told her I knew about her PA saying anything could happen in those weekends). I admit I have trouble doing either nice thing with her in her A. I'm against being her friend under these conditions. He did mention non forgiving hurts me more than her. I'm comfortable forgiving and I get better with my anger everyday. It's my self respect that keeps me on this path. Chuck mentioned if I keep doing these things from an attitude of self respect instead of punishment then I would be DBing and have a better chance at R.

So, to help her, I fixed the car ignition switch problem today when she arrived home for lunch. She had some panic moments today with the car stalling. She offered to go around the corner and get me a sandwich. She talked to me about S11 and told me goodbye when she left to pick up S11. It was all very pleasant and friendly while I pulled way way back and was businesslike.

That's the way it has to be I see. I'm the bigger man and her A means zero to me now. If I keep showing anger I show her I'm still holding tightly to the rope.
I have great PMA and only a little tension when she was near me. I did not initiate conversations but she did.

GAL tonight with my dad and S11 at the Condo.

Packing tomorrow.

Moving to the condo Sunday.