The right to feel as I do. I need to let that sink in bug time. I often feel like I do t gave that right. That I'm wrong for feeling whatever I'm feeling.
Even arguments with H turned into him telling me I shouldn't feel a certain way. When I pushed the issue and said, "but I just do" it was something I was supposed to fix. I was supposed to change how I felt to suit him.
Now I question my right to feel what I feel for 100 different reasons. Am I hormonal? Am I being irrational? Am I being unfair?
Here's how I feel right now:
I feel hopeful. Not about our marriage but about me. I'm being ME and not letting others' thoughts and opinions about anything change me. I feel moderately strong. I'm definitely still in my own head but I'm going to meditate and back off from that a bit.
I feel afraid of the unknown things to come but I'm not afraid to handle them as they come.
Huh, it's so weird. I often look for external validation for my feelings. I bounce situations off people and if they say they'd feel similarly then I feel justified in my feelings. Before that I just feel full of angst. Sharing and validation makes me feel "normal" but the fact is, my feelings are valid just simply because I feel them. Doesn't mean anyone needs to change but I can validate and justify my own feelings.
Right? Wow.
And I am going to start going out or going up to my room when H comes over. A hot shower or reading in my room should suffice. I don't need to be in the thick of things and man, things get thick when he's around. By thick I mean chaotic not emotionally heavy.
I need to take back that power that I feel I just hand over when he comes over and there's chaos. There's only three of us... When comes over, you'd think there were 10 people in the room. There are 4 different conversations going on, the dog is going insane, D wants attention, he's opening mail and leaving the trash on three different counters, pours himself a drink and leaves the carton out, he can't remember where he put down his phone 10 seconds ago because he wants to show me this email he got.... IT'S DRAINING and absolutely [censored] the life out of me.
I feel more grounded today. I don't know what's different today than from yesterday but I am glad. I need to feel strong as we approach the holidays.
