still holding on - 5

[u-turn]

I think we have done a marginally good job sheltering the kids from this. Though they do know that there are significant problems at home.

I am in a much better emotional state than I was in during the summer - I was projecting my emotions and they were being affected. I try my hardest not to direct any negativity concerning their mother to them. I want them to be able to form their own opinions without me pushing them. But I also want them to know that they are loved by both of us - even thought I don't always think it is apparent.

I stop myself from telling or showing them "can't you see what she's doing?". I think sometimes they do see it, but I try to calm things down - for them. I have not and will not lie to them about what is happening, but haven't been put in a position to explain things to them since I've been working at this.

I sometimes think also that the kids feel like this is all my fault. My detachment is so different than W & I used to act together. They may feel that I am giving up and not giving their mother what she needs right now. That makes detachment more difficult because I am not visibly showing them that I still love their mom, they don't hear me saying that I love her, and they don't see me actively trying to fix things.

It's very confusing for all of us.