Tuesday 2:00pm. Strange day yesterday. In the evening I was clearing up stuff ("Acts of Service" come easily to me) and happened to put an empty chocolate box into the bin. I had second thoughts and took it out again and looked inside just in case. There was one choc left which I popped into my mouth (well I'd only had one of them previously so W and Kids must have scoffed them while I was out). Went back into TV room and was asked what happened to the choc. I admitted having eaten it and was then subjected to a tirade of abuse from W assisted by D16 about selfishly eating the last choc that D16 had been saving. Remember that I am an Aries and I had just been clearing up the dishes, choc wrappers, crisp packets and other family rubbish that gets scattered about during the day and sadly, despite all the good advice from you people and the various books I have read, I lost it. All the teddies went flying out of my pram and I countered loudly that I had only eaten one choc and had been nice as pie to everyone and had been doing all the housework for days with no thanks for it etc. etc. W came back along the lines of I was reading too much psychobabble and spreading ridiculous ideas about love languages around and the sooner I dropped it and got back to normal the better. D16 left the room and went into the den to rattle the keyboard on MSN messenger and W and I traded head butts, as two Aries rams do, for quite a few minutes. Eventually we agreed to stop arguing and she surprised me by putting her hand on my knee for a second or two – my Physical Touch love tank filled to at least a quarter – then she actually said “I love you” and my “Words of Affirmation tank went from empty to full in a tenth of a second! What power, words. I pretended to be a gorilla and put my head in her lap and she stroked my hair – heaven. Am I going to keep reading psychobabble and surfing the SSM forum – you betcha! SD
Saturday morning. I feel that W and I are making good progress. W was quite happy to ML last night and although my performance was poor (the result was nil-nil), I think this was due to a combination of excessive precoital nerves on my part and the fact that we could hear D16 rattling the keyboard on the MSN Messenger and it was past midnight and she should be going to bed any minute and she has a habit of barging into our room and even though I told her not to come in if the door's shut it doesn't help ones confidence. I am sure that in a few weeks, provided I can keep the momentum going, we will be fine. Actually I can't believe the difference from this time last month when I was in complete dispair. After reading Tim47's L-O-N-G post I realise that I have to keep working on the love communication because although my heart is full to overflowing I don't think I am getting much of it through to DW and her love tank is not all that full. I'm very confused about her LLs and feel that I can't ask her outright what they are because at the moment she is suffering from "Psychobabble Overload". I hope you all have a great weekend. SD
I finally got through this whole thread. I had read bits here and there, but to read through an entire thread this long is daunting, to say the least. Glad I did, however.
I second wwb's BUY A LOCK!!! comment. You really must lock that door, at least when ML. My bedroom door is ONLY ever locked when ML, it is totally open, not even closed at all other times. That means it's always open...
I had FORGOTTEN the "just do it" philosophy (because it was such an utter failure in my case), so now I understand why you're placing such hope on "habit forming" Friday nights. I was truly sorry to read about your D16 - glad she's recovering. That would be a terrible scare!
I'll keep up with your thread from now on, and I hope to see you making more progress, but I think you may need to let things coast on a plateau for a while, till your W gets acclimated to the new surroundings (i.e. Friday nights). Her aversion to "psychobabble" worries me. Sounds like my W, where deeply-held beliefs and attitudes can be a real issue. Again, I hope I'm wrong...
Sunday 10pm. Today was Mother's Day - usually the worst day of the year due to my terrible lack of care with the "Gifts" LL. I took S11 out yesterday to get a present and card but D16 had gone out with W so I assumed she had got a card - wrong! This morning S11 gives W card and present. W pleased. DD16 says she hasn't got a card because Dad didn't take her to get one. W had a face like thunder that lasted most of the day. We had arranged to go bowling with my Brother, his W and kids but DD16 wasn't ready in time because she was too busy making a card so I took S11 on his own. In the car S11 said that mum is always grumpy on Mother's Day! Occasionally but not that often, I notice things that put my situation into dismal perspective. In the next lane was a couple about 40ish with their children. I noticed that whenever the H or W did a good bowl there was a lot of kissing and hugging between them and the children got lots of hugs from their Mum and high fives from Dad. To my trained eye they were clearly HD/HD. My W arrived with D16 (they weren't bowling) and I think she may have said "Hi" before disappearing in the direction of the coffee shop. I was left feeling sick at having to watch Mr & Mrs perfect marriage in the next lane and thinking "Why do I bother for such meagre crumbs as I get"). Needless to say I did not get a good score and S11 beat me, which was good as he was pleased. SD - improving but there’s precious little headroom.
Quote: ...there was a lot of kissing and hugging between them and the children got lots of hugs from their Mum and high fives from Dad. To my trained eye they were clearly HD/HD...
I know. I also HATE watching other couples, when it reminds me of how different we are. It looks so natural, and sometimes I'm convinced we're the only ones with such a cold R (thank GOD for this forum!!!). W always hastens to assure me that WE are the norm, NOT the HD/HD types. HA! I guess it's true, NOBODY really knows what goes on "behind closed doors", but the kind of togetherness you describe is really hard to fake, and can't be sustained. When I see that, if it's an older couple (read: Same Age as Me), I assume it's a second marriage for one or both...
Tim, I just wish I (and everyone on this forum) were that HAPPY. On holiday in Orlando, Florida (it’s full of Brits in summer) a couple of years back I was in the queue about 45 minutes for a water park ride. Next to us was a couple. He was 50's she 40's. He had his arms around her the whole time and was caressing her tummy. She was snuzzling him and stroking his arms. It’s impossible being in our position not to marvel at what a wonderful life some people seem to have! I’d say it is quite rare though that you see such obvious HD/HD behaviour. I have a feeling that mostly in an R where couples start off HD/HD eventually one partner goes LD. SD
Sorry, SD, I've been obsessing so much about my own crap, I completely forgot to say... I'm really sorry your plan didn't work. Sorry to hear MD was such a disaster. I know how miserable that must feel. Wanting to do something nice for W and having it all go sour. I'll pray for you...
Thanks Tim, She has recovered from her MD disappointments now. In fact she was singing and whistling this evening - quite unusual. I think it is because S19 came back from university with a card and big basket of flowers (W doesn’t know it so don’t tell her but DD16 sent a text to S19 telling him to bring the card and flowers – a brilliant piece of initiative by DD16). It is W’s birthday soon so I will try a lot harder to appeal to her "Receiving gifts" LL. I've booked a night in a luxury hotel so that should be fun (I hope) - although she is panicking about money so she might give me grief about the cost. SD
and my “Words of Affirmation tank went from empty to full in a tenth of a second! What power, words. I pretended to be a gorilla and put my head in her lap and she stroked my hair – heaven.
