Busting this Divorce - Moving Out

[HPoirot]

Thank you Vanilla. I'm keeping up the no drama STFU action today.

Long night last night. I forgot my paycheck was being auto deposited to our joint account. Woke up every hour until 3am to transfer the money to my new private account when it arrived. I have more money now in my new account than I've had in years. Did not feel sad to do that.

Had a good night though. Really high PMA. Thoughts about my new not-so-married life. I'll join the gym next week, start cooking again for me and s11. I'm going to find a ballroom dancing class and maybe an acting class. The acting will be my biggest stretch. I'll buy a new wardrobe and a couple new suits. I'll also restart my yoga and meditation practices. I'd also like to find a casual weekend soccer league to join. I will hire a company to fix my credit (any suggestions?) and see about trading in the family car for a pre-owned Cadillac. I also have a goal this year to buy a home or a small apartment building for income. I never have before. Then of course there's my new business which I must get back to. I dreamed of being successful and happy and self sufficient again. Of finding myself again and meeting new people that I like. I will travel with S11 for spring break. We will go to Miami or the Dominican Republic. Outside of the house (unless someone here can share a way to buy one with little down)... all of these things are very doable in the next six months.

And I allowed myself to think of meeting an interesting woman. I know exactly what she looks like. I imagined her smile and having dinner with her. It made me very happy. Dad told me not to consider a new woman this year. Not to date. To just get my sh*t together. That, and I really don't want to meet someone and make all this harder. But still... as I get stronger I know I will be a powerful magnet to pretty women again. I'll have to be ready to keep walking in case I see my imaginary woman on the street. Anyway... it was a nice fantasy.

...

This morning W woke me late by turning on the bedroom light. She had to iron like she usually does in the morning.

Again she's very friendly. Very polite and upbeat. She comes and talks to me twice about the Bill Cosby story on the news. Says her aunt has an extra Christmas tree like the small one she got. She offers to go get it if I can use it in the condo. I think about it and accept her offer. I'll put it in S11's room and get a bigger tree for the living room.

She then comes to talk about something as I'm sitting eating Cheerios. She starts talking, then stops, then politely says "never mind, we can talk later." Thank you Starsky.

I still don't like her coming to talk to me like nothing's wrong... but then acting like that is what we're both doing to get where we want to go. She's not interested to work on the M now... but she's going to IC every week and that seems to be on a good track... she says she's aware of her anger and resentment issues with me and she's working on those... and she says she knows how wrong she's been... so there's a chance for a future us. She even talked about how hard it was to get space from me living in the same house. So maybe my really separating from her will help her really start to think about her choices clearly. She has 6 months to come to me and show me good progress.

Luckily, I'm far less concerned with a future with W than I was 3 months ago. My main remaining thing is that yes my ego was hurt by her PA and then not stopping it while repeatedly lying and saying she would stop. (I can understand the dissatisfaction with her life with me though.) That and I'm hurt for S11. But, when I remember all the issues I really had with who W was being before BD... who she really has been all this time and how much I didn't like some of that... then yes I'm less concerned with her ever coming back to me. I would be great not ever being her friend again after this if it came to that.

So today I'm good b/c the day so far has been good and I've been focused on PMA all night. Still to get better is when the day is not good, or I'm sad, or I'm reacting to W unhinged. When I can be like I am now in the middle of the bad storms consistently... then I'm where I really want to be. And that I can just choose to do, plan to do when it counts, and then just do it.

Have a great day everyone.

Onward.