Card29 VII

[Card29]

Very depressing rant here, skip if you're not in the mood to read anything like that.

Not enjoying life this morning. It's not so much about my W (who is apparently actively looking for dates. She said she has been "talking to people" but not really dating anyone, whatever that means). That still hurts, but it's more about finally meeting the reality of my lifelong dream crumbling. Ever since I was a kid, I wanted a wife and family, and divorce was pretty much the worst thing in the world to me. I knew I would NEVER get a divorce and I would work through anything that ever happened. I even knew I would want to stay married through an affair if that happened. Instead I was hit upside the head with a 2x4, and before I knew what happened, my W was gone, 1/2 of my D2's childhood was taken from me, and my prospects for anymore kids (I always wanted 3 or 4) were greatly diminished. Let's see, IF things go "smoothly", I will be divorced by the summer, then I'll need at least a year, maybe two, to begin seriously dating again. Then IF I've met the right girl, I would need to date for at least a couple of years to be sure I wanted to marry her, because God knows I don't need to go through this again. Then we would probably wait at least a year or two to get pregnant. That puts me in me mid-to-late 30's. That's assuming it doesn't take me years to find the right mate, which many people do.

To be honest, this has been my dream for so long (since I was 10 or 12 years old), I don't currently see the point in anything. I failed at my primary dream, I never really had major career aspirations, my primary hobbies haven't been fulfilling to me in at least a couple of years, my closest friend lives 3,000 miles away, I haven't seen him in 2 years and I'll almost certainly never live near him again (he moved back to the west coast with his family, where they were from, after he finished seminary here).

I have tons of family around me, but they're not the greatest support network. For one thing, almost none of them share the same sacred view of marriage that I do. All of my aunts and uncles have been divorced, several of my cousins have. And many of them never really loved WAW, because they knew she didn't treat me very well (especially a few years ago, when I fell out of love with her, if you go back and read my story). I'm about to hand over the keys of my dream house and move into my mom's basement, which is already crammed with my sister's furniture (she is traveling for her career right now). I thought I might stay at my mom's house for a year or so and save money, but I don't think I'm going to last that long.

I know I'm in the midst of this crisis and I'll probably feel better someday, but right now I really don't see the point in all of this. I feel like my life is already over, and although I know I won't be in this amount of pain for the rest of my life, it's like I'm just waiting for everything to be over. No, I'm not suicidal or anything, and yes I know I probably won't feel like this forever. I'm just hating life this morning. I probably need to finally see an IC to help me deal with my life dream falling apart, right?