Busting this Divorce - Moving Out

[HPoirot]

I heard a story tonight both sad as a parent yet somewhat humorous for us LBSs dealing with alien WASs...

But first... My dad did agree to GAL with me tonight... but I got in late and gave him the night off. I walked home in the cold past plenty of bars. Did not stop. Did not drink. Walked slower as I got closer to home. I felt sad about this... part of me did not want to go home. My W has been spending a lot money on herself for the past few years... including a trip to Rome (which I had to borrow money to send her on b/c I'm a good H right?) Why not me? I considered getting a hotel room. A nice one. I can start being good to myself too right?

Went home anyway. Stood there for a moment. Got PMA. Prepared to face whatever. Stepped inside...

Saw Ws Christmas tree. Of course not the huge natural tree we would get every year like I like. This tree was the small very skinny artificial type tree with built in lights. Nicely decorated in about 5 minutes. Did she need to text me about it?

W came out and asked how my trip was. She was friendly and smiling. Like a good neighbor I said very nice. She told me about the prepared food she got for us to eat tonight. We have not cooked a real dinner since Thanksgiving. In the kitchen I saw a new bottle of vodka. 2 or 3 drinks gone already. Nice.

S11 came out looking sad. Asked if I liked the tree. I happily said it was really great. He did not cheer up. I asked him about school. He said he didn't want to talk about it. W said "maybe he'll tell you tomorrow." Something did happen at school today.

I made myself some food, went to the bedroom, and turned on ESPN.

W came in and sat on the bed. Asked me about my product launch today. Smiling. Very friendly. And she had the story about s11's day...

Turns out he had an issue today with another boy. While playing, other boy ripped my S11's knit cap. S11 had apparently been irritating to the boy as well. Whoever started it, they had to be separated. My son does not handle being in trouble well, so he started a little panic attack. The teacher smoothed things over... no big deal. And that was that.

Later, W went to pick up s11 after his after school music lesson. The other boy, coincidentally, had a music lesson right after so he was standing there. When s11 came out, he made a funny exaggerated gesture to the other boy in a loud happy greeting. The other boy, remembering the issue with s11 earlier in the day, did not respond and looked disturbed. My s11 is a little socially awkward and can miss subtle things like boundaries and giving people space.

That was the sad part for me. My boy is very popular as a gamer... but behind others boys socially.

Now, all through her talk I'm doing as Starsky said... she's the mother of my S11 and I'm listening. I even tried to say "I love you W" in my mind like I did at the beginning of my sitch to soften my face. Didn't work now but I was businesslike friendly. Did not talk at all... just "right" and "I see" type of responses. I looked into her eyes evenly.

She is looks at me and then looks down over and over. Not holding my eyes but still friendly.

Now here's the kind of funny part...

When she gets to the end, she says something like... "S11 can forget when he does something wrong to someone. Then he treats them like nothing happened without considering their feelings or boundaries and giving them space (she used those words!). His teacher recommended a social group therapy class for that. I think it wold be really helpful."

It took a lot to keep my face straight.

She went on about good social behavior for a good 7 minutes. She showed no concept that she was talking about her own bad behavior. How she was behaving badly at that very moment. Here she is talking to her husband who she has spent the last 3 months being horrible to, but she acts like nothing's wrong. If I point out specific awful things she has said or done like I (foolishly) did in a recent heated talk, she will say "I don't remember saying that!" She explains her "promise" to s11 as her "breakdown." Not at all her fault. If I look angry, she can fix her mouth to say "What did I do to you?" She plays the victim begging for help even while saying she owns all the terrible things she's done.

As s11 grew and we saw his ADD and anxiety issues manifest, W would sometimes cry about how she felt all that in him came from her anxiety and esteem issues. That idea has, at least until now, made her very sensitive to s11's anxiety. But these days, when he wakes up moaning every night b/c he can't sleep b/c he's afraid of what she's doing... or sadly telling all his school friends how his parents are separating for a while (she said tonight when last night she said divorcing)... or when she see's him starting to have another panic attack... she simply says "he's resilient."

Nice.

Anyway... rant.

Tonight was pleasant. She even called me "hon" at one point which was nice.

No mention of the move to the condo. No mention of s11 and Christmas.

I did what I was supposed to do. Kept calm, friendly, no sign of my anger, no engaging in talking, just listening and then thanked her for sharing.

She stayed on the bed for a minute or 2 just sitting there looking at nothing. I did not say "is there anything else." I watched ESPN. Then she left.

2 more days to go.