Busting this Divorce - Moving Out

[Wonka]

This does two things for you:

1) Forces you to disengage from W's rope a dope attempts
2) To take care of yourself tonight...are you able to get together with your father alone tonight? Isn't he still around?

[HPoirot]

Wow... I haven't replied yet so she texts... "OK. We will decorate if we don't hear back from you by 5."

I'm in high school. I really might file D tomorrow.

Sent... "No problem. You can go ahead and decorate with S11. I'll probably be home late tonight."

And I'll see if I can meet dad. Thank you Wonka.

[HPoirot]

I'm on my way back to the city. 2 hour trip. I want to feel happy.

Funny... "Blue Christmas" is playing over the speakers.

Obviously, things have not always been great with my W. There have been times when I imagined a life without her. Times where I found her frustrating. Times when I didn't like her. There was a time I cheated on her.

But more times when I was so happy to see her. To hear her voice. To come home to her from these trips. Especially this time of year. Loved it when she smiled at me. Loved to decorate the tree with her. It seems like yesterday we did it last. We always did it together. I did love her. I did want her to be happy with me. My W was a beautiful woman.

I'm very sad right now. Just 2 more days until the move. It seems 1000s of miles away. S11 won't want to leave. This will be hell on him and she is making sure of that. W won't keep her word to make the move as smooth as possible. She won't keep her word on anything. She has lied to me... lied to him... taken my money... cursed me repeatedly... made a horrible promise to s11 she immediately didn't keep... calls me the bad guy and means it... she drinks almost every night... and she takes no responsibility. Shows no remorse while she says she feels it. Talks about all the times she's cried to her friends, to her aunts, to her IC, by herself upstairs while me and s11 play together. She was ready to lie to me for months and sleep in my bed while she wanted someone else. This is all her dream. She's reaching for this dream and it's killing us. And she doesn't care.

B/c she hates me. I am the enemy to her happiness. She imagines a life of happiness and epic love. She is happy to punish me now.

It was good Starsky to hear most everything my W does you find predictable. I am surprised everyday, though, and I am killing myself that way.

Dad is around tonight. I might go straight home anyway. Looks like I'll really be late anyway.

I appreciate all the advice here. I'll continue to do as suggested. I'm feel bad my sitch seems to be everyday and I am constantly yelling for help when there's so many people here in pain.

That's it. I'm in pain. The one person in the world who was there for me at my lowest is killing me now.

She's killing me.

[HPoirot]

Ok pity party over sorry. I love the holidays. Even in the cold they gave me hope as I'm a father to a great and hopeful boy. The music gets me. Reminds me of a life that was never real. I live here now.

I'm going to go home and say nice tree. I'm going to keep PMA and remember I know what to do. I'm a friendly neighbor. I can do this. I have a great life ahead if me. Right now I'm alive and s11 needs me. I have a luxurious place to stay that costs less than $1000 a month. I have a job where I can work from home. I have a world Of friends behind me. I'm handsome and fit and awesome. Endless possibilities. A better life. And you guys say I'm doing a good job. Even my boss said so today. Said I'm I'm the forest so I can't see. But he can see I'm getting stronger and doing right. My dad too. I can get there.

I can.

[HPoirot]

Hello Little... yes I will be going to see an IC. I will likely start next week. And yes I will take ADs temporarily if they help. I have suffered from sadness but never got help and have never taken ADs. Whatever works.

[HPoirot]

HP, at this stage of your sitch (HOW long have you been at this? HOW many posts? HOW many responses by people to you?), you have GOT to learn to invest about 98% less angst and DRAMA into simple things like what happened this morning. Contrast your gut-wrenching drama above with my proposed simple response (or something similar to it).

I know this is difficult, but this should be FAR more second-nature to you at this point. Your wife's statements and behavior I find to be ENTIRELY predictable, with very few variations, and you know her far better than I do. Having a couple of canned, stock answers at the ready -- and the over-arching detached attitude to go along with them -- should be the EASY part of this stage for you. Dealing with the real "meat" of your strategy and how to care for S11, etc., should be where you invest your mental and emotional focus. These simple, entirely-unnecessary exchanges with your practically-unhinged wife shouldn't be what saps your strength.


Starsky

Yes thank you Starsky. I agree I should be farther along and I do struggle when I'm in the thick of this with W. When she's discombobulated I can act detached... But when she's on her game or I'm not expecting her I struggle. I should have expected her this morning. I thank you very much for the face saving script. It was exactly what was called for.

Some canned answers...

"Thank you for sharing that. I really appreciate your honestly. Let me think about what you've said and I'll get you an answer soonest."

"Listen... I really want to hear what you have to say but now's not the best time for me. How would you feel about sitting down tonight after S11 is in bed?"

Also, now that she has decorated the house for Christmas... she will push hard to at least have S11 there with her for Christmas morning. I plan to give that to her if she asks. I will not go.

And see now why she did not continue with her Christmas day crying. She's still being supermom for s11 now that he thinks ill of her.

Also, she likely will give me trouble about the move to the condo. What might I expect in the next couple days?

Also, s11 and I are still going to the condo Friday night to see my dad off. It may be a good time to do a Christmas tree there. Too much though? I already feel like I'm dueling with my W. I really just want to get away from her now.

No more drama from me then. Just stand and listen. Validate and delay. Hopefully she is sober tonight. Hopefully she remembers her IC's list. Hopefully the distance from her after the move will help me at least like her again.

Otherwise... I still have my plans to turn my life around. I'll just get through this week.

After tonight... 2 more days.

[HPoirot]

I heard a story tonight both sad as a parent yet somewhat humorous for us LBSs dealing with alien WASs...

But first... My dad did agree to GAL with me tonight... but I got in late and gave him the night off. I walked home in the cold past plenty of bars. Did not stop. Did not drink. Walked slower as I got closer to home. I felt sad about this... part of me did not want to go home. My W has been spending a lot money on herself for the past few years... including a trip to Rome (which I had to borrow money to send her on b/c I'm a good H right?) Why not me? I considered getting a hotel room. A nice one. I can start being good to myself too right?

Went home anyway. Stood there for a moment. Got PMA. Prepared to face whatever. Stepped inside...

Saw Ws Christmas tree. Of course not the huge natural tree we would get every year like I like. This tree was the small very skinny artificial type tree with built in lights. Nicely decorated in about 5 minutes. Did she need to text me about it?

W came out and asked how my trip was. She was friendly and smiling. Like a good neighbor I said very nice. She told me about the prepared food she got for us to eat tonight. We have not cooked a real dinner since Thanksgiving. In the kitchen I saw a new bottle of vodka. 2 or 3 drinks gone already. Nice.

S11 came out looking sad. Asked if I liked the tree. I happily said it was really great. He did not cheer up. I asked him about school. He said he didn't want to talk about it. W said "maybe he'll tell you tomorrow." Something did happen at school today.

I made myself some food, went to the bedroom, and turned on ESPN.

W came in and sat on the bed. Asked me about my product launch today. Smiling. Very friendly. And she had the story about s11's day...

Turns out he had an issue today with another boy. While playing, other boy ripped my S11's knit cap. S11 had apparently been irritating to the boy as well. Whoever started it, they had to be separated. My son does not handle being in trouble well, so he started a little panic attack. The teacher smoothed things over... no big deal. And that was that.

Later, W went to pick up s11 after his after school music lesson. The other boy, coincidentally, had a music lesson right after so he was standing there. When s11 came out, he made a funny exaggerated gesture to the other boy in a loud happy greeting. The other boy, remembering the issue with s11 earlier in the day, did not respond and looked disturbed. My s11 is a little socially awkward and can miss subtle things like boundaries and giving people space.

That was the sad part for me. My boy is very popular as a gamer... but behind others boys socially.

Now, all through her talk I'm doing as Starsky said... she's the mother of my S11 and I'm listening. I even tried to say "I love you W" in my mind like I did at the beginning of my sitch to soften my face. Didn't work now but I was businesslike friendly. Did not talk at all... just "right" and "I see" type of responses. I looked into her eyes evenly.

She is looks at me and then looks down over and over. Not holding my eyes but still friendly.

Now here's the kind of funny part...

When she gets to the end, she says something like... "S11 can forget when he does something wrong to someone. Then he treats them like nothing happened without considering their feelings or boundaries and giving them space (she used those words!). His teacher recommended a social group therapy class for that. I think it wold be really helpful."

It took a lot to keep my face straight.

She went on about good social behavior for a good 7 minutes. She showed no concept that she was talking about her own bad behavior. How she was behaving badly at that very moment. Here she is talking to her husband who she has spent the last 3 months being horrible to, but she acts like nothing's wrong. If I point out specific awful things she has said or done like I (foolishly) did in a recent heated talk, she will say "I don't remember saying that!" She explains her "promise" to s11 as her "breakdown." Not at all her fault. If I look angry, she can fix her mouth to say "What did I do to you?" She plays the victim begging for help even while saying she owns all the terrible things she's done.

As s11 grew and we saw his ADD and anxiety issues manifest, W would sometimes cry about how she felt all that in him came from her anxiety and esteem issues. That idea has, at least until now, made her very sensitive to s11's anxiety. But these days, when he wakes up moaning every night b/c he can't sleep b/c he's afraid of what she's doing... or sadly telling all his school friends how his parents are separating for a while (she said tonight when last night she said divorcing)... or when she see's him starting to have another panic attack... she simply says "he's resilient."

Nice.

Anyway... rant.

Tonight was pleasant. She even called me "hon" at one point which was nice.

No mention of the move to the condo. No mention of s11 and Christmas.

I did what I was supposed to do. Kept calm, friendly, no sign of my anger, no engaging in talking, just listening and then thanked her for sharing.

She stayed on the bed for a minute or 2 just sitting there looking at nothing. I did not say "is there anything else." I watched ESPN. Then she left.

2 more days to go.

[Vanilla]

am impressed HP. No drama, boundaries kept. plenty of STFU.

Much information gained about S11.

You can have an amazing tree at condo.

Vanilla

[HPoirot]

Thank you Vanilla. I'm keeping up the no drama STFU action today.

Long night last night. I forgot my paycheck was being auto deposited to our joint account. Woke up every hour until 3am to transfer the money to my new private account when it arrived. I have more money now in my new account than I've had in years. Did not feel sad to do that.

Had a good night though. Really high PMA. Thoughts about my new not-so-married life. I'll join the gym next week, start cooking again for me and s11. I'm going to find a ballroom dancing class and maybe an acting class. The acting will be my biggest stretch. I'll buy a new wardrobe and a couple new suits. I'll also restart my yoga and meditation practices. I'd also like to find a casual weekend soccer league to join. I will hire a company to fix my credit (any suggestions?) and see about trading in the family car for a pre-owned Cadillac. I also have a goal this year to buy a home or a small apartment building for income. I never have before. Then of course there's my new business which I must get back to. I dreamed of being successful and happy and self sufficient again. Of finding myself again and meeting new people that I like. I will travel with S11 for spring break. We will go to Miami or the Dominican Republic. Outside of the house (unless someone here can share a way to buy one with little down)... all of these things are very doable in the next six months.

And I allowed myself to think of meeting an interesting woman. I know exactly what she looks like. I imagined her smile and having dinner with her. It made me very happy. Dad told me not to consider a new woman this year. Not to date. To just get my sh*t together. That, and I really don't want to meet someone and make all this harder. But still... as I get stronger I know I will be a powerful magnet to pretty women again. I'll have to be ready to keep walking in case I see my imaginary woman on the street. Anyway... it was a nice fantasy.

...

This morning W woke me late by turning on the bedroom light. She had to iron like she usually does in the morning.

Again she's very friendly. Very polite and upbeat. She comes and talks to me twice about the Bill Cosby story on the news. Says her aunt has an extra Christmas tree like the small one she got. She offers to go get it if I can use it in the condo. I think about it and accept her offer. I'll put it in S11's room and get a bigger tree for the living room.

She then comes to talk about something as I'm sitting eating Cheerios. She starts talking, then stops, then politely says "never mind, we can talk later." Thank you Starsky.

I still don't like her coming to talk to me like nothing's wrong... but then acting like that is what we're both doing to get where we want to go. She's not interested to work on the M now... but she's going to IC every week and that seems to be on a good track... she says she's aware of her anger and resentment issues with me and she's working on those... and she says she knows how wrong she's been... so there's a chance for a future us. She even talked about how hard it was to get space from me living in the same house. So maybe my really separating from her will help her really start to think about her choices clearly. She has 6 months to come to me and show me good progress.

Luckily, I'm far less concerned with a future with W than I was 3 months ago. My main remaining thing is that yes my ego was hurt by her PA and then not stopping it while repeatedly lying and saying she would stop. (I can understand the dissatisfaction with her life with me though.) That and I'm hurt for S11. But, when I remember all the issues I really had with who W was being before BD... who she really has been all this time and how much I didn't like some of that... then yes I'm less concerned with her ever coming back to me. I would be great not ever being her friend again after this if it came to that.

So today I'm good b/c the day so far has been good and I've been focused on PMA all night. Still to get better is when the day is not good, or I'm sad, or I'm reacting to W unhinged. When I can be like I am now in the middle of the bad storms consistently... then I'm where I really want to be. And that I can just choose to do, plan to do when it counts, and then just do it.

Have a great day everyone.

Onward.

[HPoirot]

Exciting! First call with DB coach Chuck in half an hour.