Quote: You never thank me for the other stuff." So she said, "Why should I thank you for the stuff you do? You never thank me for what I see as my required duties."
Okay, so maybe I need to thank her more. However, 'words of affirmation' is my 2ndary LL, and it's not one of hers.
Apologize, tell her it's something you need to improve on as well. Just because it isn't her LL doesn't make it any less rude. Also the thankyou's and appreciation may not need to be everything all the time, just the majority, and also blanket thankyous are good while tossing in a few specifics. This is one of my huge frustrations, and actually a contribution to my LD problem. My non-verbal H doesn't think he needs it, nor does he really see the point.
The answer to the question of why is "Because it makes me feel loved, appreciated, valued and acknowleges that you see the good as well as the bad. That the good is NOT invisible and worthless. It also makes me like you more as a person. #2 It's common curtisy. If a coworker brings you a file, fixes a problem, most people thank the coworker and acknowlege the act. It's RUDE not to, even if it is their "JOB". It a reason people quit - Job dissatisfaction. When the children do good things you acknowlege and appriciate it. Not doing so creates resentment, attitudes of rebellion and apathy and a sense that you can't do anything right. I grew up with a critical mother who pointed out what wasn't finished. It's been an interesting Journey changing that dynamic, since becoming an adult. Once we spent hours cleaning the basement. When we did as much as we were going to right then, I comented on how great things looked, that we did a good job and how pleased I was with the outcome. Mom's comment was that we still had the back corner to do. While I felt let down and demoralized for a moment, I didn't want her comments to make me feel bad, nor did I want to let her off the hook. So I told her she was sucking the Joy out of celebrating a job well done. There will ALWAYS be something else. NOTHING is perfect or COMPLETLY done, if you look for it you can ALWAYS find something to be dissatisfied about. Then after hammering that point. I firmly told her how poud I was of our work, how much better it looked and how much more functional it was and how we wouldn't be tripping over stuff everytime we went to the basement. I did acknowlege the back corner still needed work, but that was a job for another day.
Sadly, it's easier to be polite, respectful, generous, kind and considerate to friends, coworkers, and aquaintances, than to family members. It's easy to develope bad habits in treating family memebers due to proximity, lazyness, differences in definition, and comfort. Yes, home should be comfortable, but not as the expense of the ones we love most.
My H's LL is acts of service, however the years of him NOT noticing or thanking me or acknowling my sevice for him, had affected the level of service he gets from me. I'd MUCH rather cook for my BIL than my H, because of the appriciation factor. Hence I don't cook as much at home as I should or want to, because of a huge, "why bother" factor in my heart. It's a stumbling block.
My fault is in asking for stuff, I tend to demand, or just expect or just do, instead of politely asking. My H finds this rude (and it is) and something that cuts his ability to communicate with me. So it's something that I monitar in myself constantly. Unfortunately the kids reinforce the rudeness because they don't act or seem to hear me when I'm polite the first 3 times. (yes I need to change the parenting dynamic here, but thats a different post)
