KGirl - one year later

[KGirl]

Thank you, bug. Yes, that really does help. Looking back, there were various points where I made decisions, or didn't make decisions when maybe I should have, that lead to this. Hopefully things I can now recognize and not repeat. I think one of the things I said recently in terms of not wanting to repeat this was being with someone who loves me without me having to pressure them.. they want to be with me because they want to be with me. And, if they cross my boundaries, I need to be able to be firm and let them go, instead of thinking "well, I'm so desperate to keep this person I'll just let it slide, even though it's so upsetting to me" and then the distrust just builds and builds to the point where something has to give.

I am meeting H Sunday to sign the filing paperwork and pick up a few things at the house. I'm not sure what, if anything, I need to say. I kind of think nothing at this point. I said my piece on the phone a few weeks ago about how this is not what I want but I won't stand in his way. I don't need to repeat that, I also don't want to have friendly chit-chat. But just thinking about seeing him makes me anxious and puts a knot in my stomach/makes it hard to breathe. I haven't even seen him since.. August, I think? I'm pretty scared, to be honest. I just want this all to go away and be done and not have to see him or talk to him to do it. I suppose I could hire a lawyer to do that but I can't afford to pay someone hundreds of dollars an hour to take paperwork to get signed and photocopied - not being stressed is important but I think I'd rather be anxious and scared than spend thousands of dollars and go into debt. Sigh.