Saturday 3pm. We brought D16 home from hospital last night (leaving her appendix behind) and she is recovering well. I have been trying to decide what W's Love Language is. We had a short discussion about it this morning and sadly she cringed when I suggested my favourite "touchy feely" ones. I have come to the conclusion that hers is "Receiving gifts" which is bad news for me as this is the one that I find most difficult to work out how to satisfy. When I am at the shops I don't seem to see anything worth spending money on... It's her birthday soon too ! SD
Recieving gifts is not necessarily about always buying somthing for the person whos LL is that. On you way home from work picking some flower for her. Or just getting her a card or making her a card. I really think its more about finding what intrests your W and finding ways of getting those for her. Something else that could help with the recieving of gifts is taking her shopping for some. Im not sure if that is quality time but it could help. My self I hate shopping but when my W wants to go shoe shopping I try and put on my most happy face and say lets go babe and see what we can find you. Seems to help a lot.
Grislen: I'm struggling with this LL stuff. The reason I think she is "Gifts" is because it's the only one that I can find any evidence for and she gets plenty of the other 4 from me. She is not materialistic at all though. My guess is that her LL runs at quite a low level. SD
Sunday 10:30pm. Amazing. After enduring considerable scorn over my psychobabble talk I have managed to get W interested in LLs. I told her that children have LLs and you can improve their behaviour by tapping into their primary LL. During a conversation with W and D16, D16 told me she doesn't like my "feminine" attitude of going round telling everyone how wonderful they are (I am testing their Words of Affirmation LLs) but we established that she does like me waiting on her hand and foot while she is ill, bringing her glasses of water, arranging her pillows and other Acts of Service. We then had a discussion about how badly her boyfriend had treated her while she was in hospital. He did not visit, send flowers or a card, phone her or text her - no Gifts! W's LLs are still a mystery to me. I have done a lot of acts of service this weekind such as ironing, clearing up, cooking, hoovering and making many cups of tea and coffee. Nothing seems to have much affect. I tried some quality time talking about football (soccer to you) which is usually a good subject to get her talking - but her team lost today. At one point in the day she told me that she quite likes Physical Touch (cuddles particularly) which I find very encouraging but I am being patient about the sex and will wait until next Friday because I don't want her to feel pressured. I need to explore her Receiving Gifts LL but this is the one I am least good at and am not sure what to do. SD
Glad to hear that your D is back from the hospital. About the LL, has your wife read the book? Maybe if you want your wife to discuss it with you, you could first start discussing with your wife about D's LL? Get her to read the LL for children book first before the discussing yours and hers LL.
About giving gifts to your w, its not about what to get so much as the thought that you put into gettting the gift itself. Although receiving gifts is not one of my LL, I was very touched when H did gave me these gifts.
- His female colleagues went shopping for some on sale costume jewellery and he tagged along and got something for me. I thought that was sweet. - He noticed that something I was using (for example my hairband was old/broken) and got a new one for me. - He bought shoes for me on his own. I was amazed he even knew my shoe size!
The gifts need not be expensive at all but its really the thought put into getting them that counts. Remember that and start noticing your wife a little more.
Monday 9:45am. Had a relatively sleepless night. W says she did too (but she didn't notice I was out of bed from 1am to 2am). My sleeplessness was not due to the usual frustration but was because I was thinking about how best to use the Love Languages and in particular how I could use them to improve my relationship with my children. I realise that S11 has “Physical touch” and “Quality time” because he likes to cuddle with W while watching TV and he often talks to me about his hobbies. Sadly I am usually busy and just give him a yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I understand his LLs I will make a big effort to listen to him and be interested in his play station games etc. D16 likes people to run around after her so she has “Acts of Service”. I usually tell her to “Get it yourself” but now I understand about her LL I will be much more willing. She has to go to school early once a week and usually asks me to give her a lift. Of course I moan about it but not any more. She will be amazed when I offer to take her next time without her having to ask. W is a more difficult case. In the morning I was up early, made the tea, fed the cats, cleaned the shoes and tidied the kitchen all except one pan that had rice stuck to it. I left it to soak. When she came down stairs did she fill my “Words of affirmation” love tank with a compliment regarding the tidy kitchen? Nope, she stuck the knife in with a caustic remark about the solitary pan I had not cleared away. She has a lot to learn. I did send her a really nice email last night though explaining how I thought we could use the LLs together for the benefit of our children. I hope she appreciates it and doesn’t attack me for forcing psychobabble on her. SD
Quote: When she came down stairs did she fill my “Words of affirmation” love tank with a compliment regarding the tidy kitchen? Nope, she stuck the knife in with a caustic remark about the solitary pan I had not cleared away.
HA! This happens to me all the time! I even mentioned this to my wife this morning. I told her, "I come home, do laundry, feed DD, dust, straighten up, but don't have time to vacuum, and you come in and say, 'this place really needs to be vacuumed.' You never thank me for the other stuff." So she said, "Why should I thank you for the stuff you do? You never thank me for what I see as my required duties."
Okay, so maybe I need to thank her more. However, 'words of affirmation' is my 2ndary LL, and it's not one of hers.
We're having a bit of a down time this weekend, but I hope it turns up soon....
Quote: You never thank me for the other stuff." So she said, "Why should I thank you for the stuff you do? You never thank me for what I see as my required duties."
Okay, so maybe I need to thank her more. However, 'words of affirmation' is my 2ndary LL, and it's not one of hers.
Apologize, tell her it's something you need to improve on as well. Just because it isn't her LL doesn't make it any less rude. Also the thankyou's and appreciation may not need to be everything all the time, just the majority, and also blanket thankyous are good while tossing in a few specifics. This is one of my huge frustrations, and actually a contribution to my LD problem. My non-verbal H doesn't think he needs it, nor does he really see the point.
The answer to the question of why is "Because it makes me feel loved, appreciated, valued and acknowleges that you see the good as well as the bad. That the good is NOT invisible and worthless. It also makes me like you more as a person. #2 It's common curtisy. If a coworker brings you a file, fixes a problem, most people thank the coworker and acknowlege the act. It's RUDE not to, even if it is their "JOB". It a reason people quit - Job dissatisfaction. When the children do good things you acknowlege and appriciate it. Not doing so creates resentment, attitudes of rebellion and apathy and a sense that you can't do anything right. I grew up with a critical mother who pointed out what wasn't finished. It's been an interesting Journey changing that dynamic, since becoming an adult. Once we spent hours cleaning the basement. When we did as much as we were going to right then, I comented on how great things looked, that we did a good job and how pleased I was with the outcome. Mom's comment was that we still had the back corner to do. While I felt let down and demoralized for a moment, I didn't want her comments to make me feel bad, nor did I want to let her off the hook. So I told her she was sucking the Joy out of celebrating a job well done. There will ALWAYS be something else. NOTHING is perfect or COMPLETLY done, if you look for it you can ALWAYS find something to be dissatisfied about. Then after hammering that point. I firmly told her how poud I was of our work, how much better it looked and how much more functional it was and how we wouldn't be tripping over stuff everytime we went to the basement. I did acknowlege the back corner still needed work, but that was a job for another day.
Sadly, it's easier to be polite, respectful, generous, kind and considerate to friends, coworkers, and aquaintances, than to family members. It's easy to develope bad habits in treating family memebers due to proximity, lazyness, differences in definition, and comfort. Yes, home should be comfortable, but not as the expense of the ones we love most.
My H's LL is acts of service, however the years of him NOT noticing or thanking me or acknowling my sevice for him, had affected the level of service he gets from me. I'd MUCH rather cook for my BIL than my H, because of the appriciation factor. Hence I don't cook as much at home as I should or want to, because of a huge, "why bother" factor in my heart. It's a stumbling block.
My fault is in asking for stuff, I tend to demand, or just expect or just do, instead of politely asking. My H finds this rude (and it is) and something that cuts his ability to communicate with me. So it's something that I monitar in myself constantly. Unfortunately the kids reinforce the rudeness because they don't act or seem to hear me when I'm polite the first 3 times. (yes I need to change the parenting dynamic here, but thats a different post)
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