This is going to sound strange, so let me see if I can explain. I have forgiven him in the sense that I understand he is just a flawed human being just like the rest of us, and that he never did anything with the intention of hurting me.
I have told him exactly that ^^^. I said that I had already forgiven him, and that I understood that I was only collateral damage. That he was trying to feel better; more "alive", and that hurting me was something he probably wanted to avoid, but it was outweighed by the urgency of his own situation. That under normal circumstances, he would have never done that to me. --------------------------------------------------------------
Cognitively, I understand all of that. I can let it go, and forgive, and move forward.
However, that is moving forward WITHOUT HIM.
If we were to try and reconcile, then he would have to do the work necessary to help me heal as HALF OF THIS MARRIAGE. I could NOT let it all go as I would if we were divorced, because he would be half of the equation and his actions (past/present/future) would be very relevant in the health of whatever R we had.
Although I didn't specify to him, it is my hope that he didn't take my "I have already forgiven you" comment to mean the same as "I'll sweep all my pain and your indiscretions under the rug and we can pretend it never happened."
Because that is very far from the truth.
I don't want to dwell on the negatives, but neither will I allow them to exist on the basement level, where the foundation is known to take on water.
I hold no animosity any longer... I'm feeling past that. (At least today, check back in a few months.)
But I don't think he meant to hurt me.
He knew that he WOULD, eventually, and that pretty much amounts to the same thing. But it wasn't his goal.
That is a whole different animal, and one I can say that I'm happy not to have encountered to date.
Still, the fact remains that whatever the "reason" or "intent", he has hurt me very deeply, and will continue to do so if things don't change radically on his end.
