My dear wife of six years (together nearly 10) is having an EA and +PA with her boss (unclear how far they have gone). Suspected something was happening a few months ago, when she STOPPED talking about her boss, she always loved to talk about how 'great' he was. They had some issue at work where he stopped her from leaving their branch for a better job (career blocking) and it sounds like their friendship crossed the line sometime around then, in October. I began checking her phone and they were sending inappropriate text messages. She caught me looking on Nov 11, I confronted her, she admitted to the EA. She said she was sorry, did not cry that much, and I (of course) said things to her that I should not have said, “you are a home wrecker” (OM is father of two + married) “you’re risking your career” and “you are not thinking about your home and family” (we have an amazing 2.5 YO daughter). I was angry and upset. To my surprise she said she “didn’t know what to do”. She was very unhappy in our marriage.
We immediately started seeing a marriage councilor. We came to agreements, she would continue to work there but STOP the EA (or whatever it really is) even though I said it was a bad idea (to continue working there). She would tell the OM she was stopping. She was not committing to our marriage but was going to “try” and work on it (which know what I know now seems crazy to be okay with). We would make more time together and continue counseling once a week. I quickly took on responsibility for how she was feeling in the marriage and apologized during our first two sessions.
For about a week we had our ups and downs but there were some signs of improvement from her (almost no time on phone). We met with our priest. I met with another (older) couple from church for guidance. Less than two weeks later, after we spent a GREAT (most of) day together preparing for T-Giving, she said she had a work dinner to attend, which she had previously cancelled. I took care of our daughter that night and, she attended the “dinner” and then came home before eleven PM, and got into bed with me.
The following morning, she woke up and rolled over onto to me and held me, which she had not done in a long time. It made me feel positive. We had friends over to the house that night (party day before T-Giving) and as she began to drink, she would stare at me from across our kitchen. At first I thought it was “bedroom” eyes (we had been having sex right up to the confrontation but not since -- had been telling her I was hoping to be intimate again with her so would not loose that). However, the more she looked at me, the she seemed to be mad at me, like she had something to tell me. That night / morning (T-Giving day) I awoke her at 3 AM and asked her where she was the previous night. She told me she was with the OM. She also told me that they weren’t just hugging, but “making out” in his car and gestured to her chest when I asked her where he’s touched her. Then she said it…that she loved him. I had seen the text messages but it was really hard to hear her say it. We discussed / argued (a little) for a bit then I packed a bag and went to a hotel. I told her I could not be around her right now, even if it was Thanksgiving. I saw her the following Sunday at her parents (where she was staying with our D) and we agreed to separate. This was two weeks ago. I began doing research and found some great advice from DB. I bought the book and began reading it. Since we’ve been separated, I’m neck deep in the ‘180 method’ There have been a couple of emails from me, going back to when we separated. Neither email was gushy with pleading and begging to come home. We have spoken on the phone but only when she calls me. She has told me that ‘I can call her too, you know’. I am following the guide to the 180 when on the phone. I have stopped telling her I love her, unless she says it first and I reciprocate. For now, we are taking turns in our house, taking care of our daughter. She is at her parents or I am at my mothers or a friends, when not home. Since we have not been talking much (she’s been calling here and there) and when we do it is not about our situation, so I have no idea how she is or what she doing with the OM. Her friends have told me that she laid out what her life would be like if she were with him. She told her friends that she would wait six to twelve months before introducing anyone to him. I suspect he may make between five or ten times what I do, and I do okay for myself. She currently works full time but (indicated to her friends) that if they were together she would ‘not need to work anymore’.
I love my wife dearly. She is the love of my life. I have told her that I will be with until she divorces me, that these are her decisions and that one will be hers too. So we all understand how I feel, I chose my wife believing she would always be true to me and never do something like this, it was the biggest reason for marrying her. Now I am living in a nightmare because she is doing the one thing I always believed should would not. Understand I have not lived a sheltered life. I have been through and seen many horrific things. Yet this is the worst situation, by far, I have ever been in my life. I am also worried about her, a lot. The decisions she has made are way out of character for her and that makes me concerned. One of our friends even suggests drugs might be involved, which I don’t believe are, but that just shows how shocked everyone, including myself is.
Am I going about this the right way? I don’t want to loose my wife and break up our family. I have been through the DB section about how having a D doesn’t solves any problems in the relationship. We have a child together so there will always be a relationship.
Oh, I almost forgot one of the most interesting parts, my wife informed me (when we discussed intimacy with her OM) that he (told my wife) is a VIRGIN. He has been married for ten years and has two kids. My wife tells me they had their children via IVF assistance. I don’t know what to make of this other than only two possibilities – (1) he is lying to her to get her into bed or (2) there is something seriously wrong with him, if true.
I am 9 years older than my wife. I am now 44 and she is 35. Again, been together almost ten years and married six this spring. I am the only long-term relationship she has ever had but she had been with several men (aka not a virgin) before we met. Again, please read my background and pass along your insight. I need it. Otherwise I’ve been back to church for a month now and praying she finds her way home and spending time with our daughter, making her the priority. I am taking everything one day at a time, and trying to be patient. I have accepted that this will take a long time, otherwise, it will not be genuine.
